harsens_rob (harsens_rob) wrote,

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I've been going through recent posts.


...  And I gotta say that I'm falling into a dark space, in which I think that this is all worthless. I had typed this whole rant, which I then deleted. It seemed too mean spirited to actually post.

  But the bottom line has been, that I feel like I'm paying for nothing. I feel like NOBODY is actually reading anything I post, despite my work on reviews, because my readers have overall relocated to Dream... Something-or-Other (my mind says DreamCast? but I'm not sure) in order to avoid Russian-Bots/actors/government.

I get it. But, I don't truly understand it. I'm not sure that anyone is reading any of this other than Russian 'Bots and that isn't enough. Everything comes to an end. Maybe it's time to let this die and cancel my entire account? Maybe it's time to move on.

I never finished what I wanted... but that is my own fault, as I expanded from posting Spanderverse (in which I still fantasize, but typing and removing my better-self is difficult, as I want so badly to self-insert) to posting BTVS reviews (which I feel I did a good-to-very good-job of being fair), to expanding to AtS reviews (although, only the comics, I haven't even gotten to the end of S3 BTVS, so I could start on AtS, S1!) and then to movie reviews I felt needed more exposure -- or just really liked (It's hard to justify JAWS or ALIEN as needing exposure, admittedly). And then expanded further, because of my own lack of focus to SPN and TWD and 70's highlights like The 6 Million Dollar Man and its spinoff, which may have been my first exposure as a young gay, who didn't get it yet, to crushing on a woman -- Lindsey Wagner and Lynda Carter were my touchstones to trying to force myself to being "normal" in the early-80s, and Kolchak - whose series easily inspired Fox Mulder and Dana Scully later... so many youth touchstones we can go back and watch to remember what it was like when we were young, and - dare I say it: I DO - sheltered.

But it's a different world, now. And I feel more and more like I'm just holding a place but not actually engaging. Maybe this is all stupid, maybe it has been all along. I don't know what I should do! Is there anything on the site worth holding onto? Is there any reason to continue forward, at least until I breathe my last?

Is anyone bothering, or am I posting in a void??

Tags: me, my apology, open letter, opinion, poll, writer's block

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