harsens_rob (harsens_rob) wrote,

Piranha II reviewed: part I


Piranha Part II: The Spawning

Starring: Tricia O'Neil, Steve Marachuk, Lance Henriksen, Ricky G. Paull
DIR: James Cameron, Ovidio G. Assonitis, Miller Drake

Blurb: Club Elysium may seem like paradise, but just offshore a new breed of terror has been unleashed, and no one is safe from its savage, insatiable hunger.

While investigating the mysterious death of a diver, scuba instructor Anne Kimbrough makes a horrific discovery. Piranha-like fish, with wings that enable them to fly, are responsible. As the body count rises, Anne desperately tries to convince the resort's manager to call off the annual fish fry on the beach -- but he's determined to give his guests the ultimate 'feeding frenzy'.

My Blurb: Y'know, I love a killer animal flick - truly. But I swear, if I run into another "we can't close the beach/woods/main street/tournament" because we need the "tourist dollars/ad revenue/prestige/new jobs", despite a rising gruesome death count, I'll literally scream.

If your blurb is basically, "This is Jaws. Replace our animal with a Great White. We have no imagination," then stop. Go back and do a re-think of the premise. Call a friend who usually has really clever ideas to pitch in.

(Also - 'interactive menus' & 'scene selections' are never a Special Feature/Bonus.)

Scene 01: Out in the night, we spot a channel marker light, and a small rubber dinghy. From the dinghy, we hear a couple trying to get busy, but the guy isn't really into it due to complaints of the rubber dinghy being uncomfortable to get his groove on.

She complains at him for complaining that the boat is too uncomfortable, the beach was too sandy, the room was too conditioned...

He thinks it's the water quality in the hotel. She tells him that he's trying too hard, and he agrees he just needs to relax more. A solution presents itself to She: They'll go for a relaxing swim in the warm waters, where they can then bang.

Commentary: I'm always mildly surprised when it's the guy who can't get into sex on a dime in a movie. So that was nice. The line readings.., hmmm. A bit awkward, maybe, but He's dealing okay in VO. Less so in person. And she's almost sounding natural, almost.

Scene 02: Under the water, we find that the couple were anchored over a ship wreck for scuba pleasures. (Somehow, the lighting is greater underwater, than above it. Carribean Waters really are sparkling!)

Couple swims, swims, swims.

Our first possible warning that things are not as copecetic as Our Couple think is that the wreck has been labeled with an "Access Restricted by order of the U.S. Navy". Though one would think that isn't such a big deal, or surely they'd have removed the wreck by now, rather than leaving it just off shore of a tourist destination.

Well, maybe they're just warning that amateur divers shouldn't swim inside, because it can be easy to get lost, and confused in shipwrecks, I understand. Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

Let's swim and swim and swim.

Scene 03: Even more strange is how the water outside of the wreck shines ambient light through the portholes, even though we're diving at night and there isn't a light source present to account for it. That Carribean Moon does not play.

She and Semi-Delicious begin exploring the wreckage. Swim and swim and swim.

He keeps looking around nervously, as his tighty speedos threaten to give him a wedgie. She swims ahead, ignoring the basic buddy system of safety when diving.

Swim and swim and swim.

Inside the wreckage, Semi-Delicious continues to be nervous. She startles He by grabbing him from behind. She has disrobed of her suit, giving He (and us) a full view. His dinger is nicely outlined in his speedo. She starts to tantalize him into another try at that sex-thing they've been failing to achieve.

Commentary: Okay. So the amount of time to scuba dive wasn't quite as long as I mildly joke about. But yeah, we didn't need to be a party to their every scissor kick to get into the death-boat (oh, was that a spoiler?). I do like the nudity in this scene - even though, obvs, I'd like to see more of He. But this felt a lot less "flash boobs because directors are pigs" and more organic to the set up.

Scene 04: Outside of the wreckage, Lots of Fish swim around in the brilliantly lit water. A particular POV tells us that certain fish are taking an active interest in what is happening in the wreck.

Scene 05: In the wreck, Naked She slinks down He's body. She takes his diving knife out of its sheath (not a metaphor), and tense music makes us think that maybe She has lured him out here to do him in. But only for a moment, as her actual goal is to cut off his speedo, seductively, and set his dinger free.

[There will be no, as expected, dinger-shot. Alas.]

Our couple remove their masks and breathers so they can hotly kiss. But in the meantime, the soundtrack is playing a familiar sound-effect of the Piranha from 1978.

Scene 06: Amid the passionate kissing and chest rubbing, we see flashes of fishies streaking toward our, uh, streakers. He gets it first to the back, and with no breather in place (hopefully) drowns while being devoured.

She swims backward, but not nearly fast enough. Both die, as flashes of bony fishes streak through the billowing blood.

Commentary: Very nicely filmed, to both show off the killer fish, but also keep them from sitting on the screen so long, that their faux-nature is readily apparent. And I liked the blood flowing around the water to cover the camera viewpoint. And again, despite my mild teasing about the amount of time we watched our doomed couple swim, the scene actually wasn't but a few minutes long, so it was all good. Maybe a bit too much skin for our nudie-cutie actress but how our they going to draw an audience if there isn't any boobs to hook us early?

Credits show up late. I like the theme. But, jeez, these credits go on and on.

Scene 07: It's the following day, when we see a teenaged boy strolling up out of the surf with a fishing rod in hand. He'll be Chris Kimbrough. He high-fives a hunky jogger as the man goes by, but keeps walking up to a resort, sharing pleasantries with the staff. This is Club Elysium.

Scene 08: In the Club, in a room, is who-will-be Anne Kimbrough, mother to Chris, lying in bed in nothing but a sheet pulled provocatively up her long legs.

Chris has returned to their room with a fish he caught. A coral eater, in order to tease his mother that it wants a kiss on its pursing lips. She's less annoyed than I would be, but she also doesn't find him all that funny.

He drops the fish, and they laugh and squeal and such as Chris tries to catch the slimy, flopping fish and MOM tries to keep her nudity hidden by her flimsy sheet [Oh, yeah. So uncomfortable.].

Scene 09: Elsewhere, WaitStaff greets Mildly-Jerky-Tourist with a breakfast cart at his door. While WaitStaff brings in his breakfast tray, Mildly-Jerky-Tourist writes a note to Anne to slip in her own tray waiting to be delivered on the same cart. He wants dinner and a show later. I'm assuming this is Tyler Sherman, who is surely trying to reach for Charming and Joking.

Scene 10: Next stop for the breakfast cart is Anne and Chris' room.

Chris finds probably-Tyler's date note to his mother and scoffs as he crumples it up. Anne is busy in the bathroom, getting her day started. Slowly. Chris complains that Waitstaff always manages to show up when she's coming out of the shower - apparently thinking that note came from Waitstaff.

He complains that guys wouldn't be "sitting on you" if she was still with his dad, and she flatly replies that she's not, while giving him a gentle 'butt out' tone. He complains about their living in a hotel, instead of a house on the island. She, in her very short robe (what is she trying to do to her post-pubescent kid?) says that a house wouldn't have room service.

He complains living in a hotel sucks. She offers that she gets the suite free as long as she's working for the Club, so they may as well take advantage of it. (I'm assuming this is summer, since Chris doesn't appear to be going to school.) Chris brings up the job opportunity in crewing a fishing boat for a week, and tells his mother that it sails that morning (although, awful late start, I'd think).

She's very hesitant about this, and reminds him that she said she had to think about it. She doesn't know this guy he wants to sail out with, or anything about him and she's a bit annoyed with Chris' assumption that he was going.

Chris jokes that sailing around the islands in all that surf and sun is a tough gig, but as she just said, they need to save money. He then goes on to tell her he'd much rather hang out at the hotel and work on his pattern and fabric swatches ... implying he's turning gay due to the lack of a strong father-figure around.

[No, I'm not insulted -- I'm not that sensitive or PC. And, Chris is cute in his manipulative way and other than Anne's habit of walking around with no proper clothing and showing way too much skin to her son, I'm liking the interaction between this boy (I don't know: 15, 16? He seemed younger outside but I think he's well into teen, now) and his mom. Both Tricia and Ricky are handling this domesticity/complaining well.]

She complains that her boy used to be younger and shorter. He teases her about her shortness.

Scene 11: Down in the Club diner, two women discuss who they're going to bag on this trip. Doctor Leo Bell is getting the approval of one of our girls, because he's a doctor. The other is unimpressed.

Elsewhere Elysium's operations manager, Raoul, is making the rounds and making sure the guests are enjoying their stay. Ralph and Myrna Bernotti are a honeymooning couple so greeted.

Scene 12: Out on the beach, Ronnie is doing basic pick up work to keep the place looking inviting and keeping track of equipment and so on. He's waylaid by Mrs. (Anne) Wilson - a cougar looking for uncomplicated encounters with younger men on her vacation. He plays along politely with her outrageous flirting before moving along.

Scene 13: Off shore, there is a boom that sends sprays of water jetting up over the surface of the ocean. This is a father-son team of fishermen dynamite fishing. This is, as you may imagine, frowned on by the local constabulary - here represented by Police Chief Steve Kimbrough, ex-husband (or only separated - I was never completely clear) to Anne and father to Chris.

He pulls up to fishing team in his police boat and tells them that he warned them the next time, he'd arrest them and let them rot in jail, and nobody would care. Fisherdad responds to this by lighting another bunch of dynamite and tossing it at Chief Kimbrough. Steve does the sensible thing and throws it away, into the sea.

They stare at each other, and Randy gives Steve a small laugh. Steve tells Randy that he supposes that the Del Grande's will be cooking up the catch that night. He says he'll stop by. After Steve speeds off, Randy tells his son that he and Steve go back a long way, explaining why despite Steve's threats, no arrests are made.

Scene 14: Back at the resort, Chris reports to Mr. - oh, Captain - Dumont where he's going on that sailing trip talked about earlier. Onboard is also Mr., er-Captain Dumont's flirty, short-shorts daughter, Allison who immediately gives Chris the flirty eyes.

It's obvious pretty quickly that Captain Dumont is less a sailer and more a rich guy who bought a boat, and Chris is there less as a crewman, and more as a 'keep me from killing myself and daughter out here' assistant.

[Mr. Dumont dares to wear: a) Dark socks with white shoes. b) Shorts with a suit jacket. C) Socks pulled up high in shorts.

Clearly, this man needs to die. Mild Spoiler -- but somehow doesn't!]

Scene 15: Back on shore, Honeymooner Ralph is concerned with drinks not be adding to their tab because everything is supposed to be covered on their package.

Meanwhile, Dr. Bell (D.D.S.) is having eyes made at him by his stalker, which he doesn't seem to mind.

Stalker goes out into the sea, making flirty eyes the entire time with the awkward Dr. Bell. She plays the "oh, my leg cramp, I'm drowning, HELP ME" ploy as a way to meet Dr. Bell, despite his obvious return interest so she could have just gone up and asked for a drink. Obvs, Stalker is Over-Dramatic.

Dr. Bell does the heroic thing, as hoped for, in order to 'save' Overly-Dramatic Stalker. It should be noted they're in waist high water. Beverly and Leo have their cute meet after that rough 3 seconds when Bev found out Leo wasn't a doctor, but before she found out he was a dentist, which is just as good.

Commentary: Ugh. Obvs, both are being played for broad comedy with her being pushy and he being nerdy and it's coming a little close to Komedy for comfort. But I suppose that it's nice that a braying manipulator can find an instant connection with awkward nerd in paradise. I'm just as happy to quickly move on, though.

Scene 16: Elsewhere, Raoul (Richert) is going over the week's events with the staff. Anne is a member of the staff, so she's there to give the newcomers for the season a quick lesson in what the fish fry festival is about. It celebrates the beaching of the grunion fish during its mating ritual where they spawn, while their guests swarm the beach to catch them and fry them, ruining what should be a hot, sexy fish time.

Scene 17: Out to sea, at the ship wreck, POV does some swimming around.

Above, two topless women sunbathe and sail/drift placidly. One of our two reads her latest diary entry to her friend, about how they've run out of money, but are happily sailing island to island and catching as catch can, as self-styled minor bandits.

They pull into port of Club Elysium, hoping that rich diary writer's daddy isn't there to take the boat back from them.

(For reasons unexplained, we get a long shot of them slowly moving toward the beach in their sailboat.)

Scene 18: Out further from land, Chief Kimbrough is pulling up alongside another sailboat with his siren whirring.

It's Mr.-um-Captain Dumont's boat, and the Chief is pulling alongside, because he wants to know what his son is doing out on a boat at sea, instead of being at 'home' with his mother.

Dad berates son mildly for not having the boat's radio on, and tells him it always stays on because of the way the weather can turn. Chris bugs him to go marlin fishing when he gets back. Chief finds out where he's going to be sailing, kids with him about Mr.-uh, Captain Dumont's daughter and then drops him back off at his crewman job. Mr.-er, Captain Dumont's a little upset, but Chris tells him that the Chief thought he was a smuggler and wanted to strip search the boat, but Chris - heroically - talked the Chief down, so they can continue on their day sail.

Scene 19: Back with Annie, she's walking along the pier daydreamy. Steve pulls up in his launch. He's there, ostensibly, to ask her about the dingy he hauled back to shore earlier. He explains he found it tied up at the Fitzgerald wreck, with no one aboard. He wondered if maybe she knew who was using it, but it's a blank. They discuss this in a flirty, good with the ex, way.

Scene 20: Meanwhile, one of our minor bandits are slipping through Club Elysium. She uses the staff entrance to slip into the kitchen to raid. She's caught red handed by Mal, the junior chef. She flirts, bats her eyes, and promises him a good time that evening, if he could overlook her light-fingering of a few provisions.

The idea of threesome gets her on Mal's good side, but he keeps the cheap hotdogs and bargain-cheetos she stole. He does promise that he'll make up something special to bring to her boat for that evening.

Scene 21: In the meantime, we see what Anne's job is at the resort. She's leading a class of amateur divers to the wreck of Fitzgerald in the bay. She's told them that they've just gotten permission from the Navy to dive there, but absolutely no going inside of the ship.

In the meantime, Smirky McMildly-Jerky spends his whole time making flirty-eyes at the oblivious Anne.

[Oh, please Smirky. We all know that as soon as crisis hits, Anne and Steve are going to end up back together. Spoiler: Not necessarily!]

One of our divers is being mildly assholish, letting Smirky cut in to play defender to Anne, unnecessarily. Anne speaks to Smirky about how she could tell he was already an experienced diver. He tells her he was bored, the class was in the package trip, and he 'heard' that the instructor was cute. He flirts. She smiles.

Commentary: Okay, yeah... now is a good time for something dramatic to happen. I suppose it's too soon for an attack, but surely we'll find dead, chewed up couple sometime soon. I'm not disliking this as much as the IMDB score suggested that I may [but that is often a thing with IMDB scores -- they're either ridiculously low, or way, way too effusive] but I will admit that pacing is a slight issue -- helped along though, by the location shooting, which is beautiful.

I'm liking Tricia O'Neil and Lance is always a welcomed presence, so I can coast a bit longer.

Scene 22: Under the sea, our dive troupe starts their exploration. Swim, swim. But... Dah-dah-DAHHHHHH... Assholish has other plans. He lags behind our troupe, because he's determined to explore the inside of the wreckage of Fitzgerald.

Meanwhile, a full school of our deadly fish begin to swim along Fitzgerald on the heels of Assholish. Somehow, they were invisible only moment before when Anne and troupe were swimming down.

Assholish, is at least smart enough to tie a tow line between himself and the outside of the ship, so that he won't get turned around and trapped in the wreckage. But in the meantime, our whirring fish of hunger pangs is still making a mild-dash toward him, unseen.

Scene 23: Anne notices that she's missing one diver. She instructs with hand signals for experienced Smirky to gather the class and take them up. She then goes to find her wayward diver. Anne goes back to Fitzgerald, because she is already guessing where Assholish decided to go, against specific instruction.

She finds his tow line, and pulls on it, but it snaps on her [as all rope seem to do -- rope makers are just the worst].

She has no choice but to go into the wreck against her own advise. Ominously, she finds a lone fin.

She still trying to decide how much to risk going deeper into the wreck after Assholish, when his body floats from behind her....

She turns around to find Assholish chewed up from below his face mask down!

Commentary: I like these effects.. they seem awfully well done for a B-Movie (as long as you don't stare at them too long) and as mentioned, I'm liking the main actors. The only thing I'm having a bit of a problem with is the swim-swim-swim scenes. I understand that filming underwater is probably not the easiest thing, so you don't want to waste footage, but we - the audience - weren't putting in a killer-fish flick to admire the diving scenes.

But, on the other hand, I have to tell you I'm not really bored either. So, I'd say the pacing is a bit too easy-going, but it's not fatal. I'm not sure of the dislike for this film (although, the idea of flying carnivorous fish is a big problem for later-- I had hoped they were just, y'know, Flying Fish - but no... they actually will be revealed to have wing-fins that flap and it's entirely as ridiculous as it sounds).

Scene 24: On land, Steve had returned to the precinct, and is interrupted watering plants by a deputy telling him that they have a deader down at the docks. He further explicates that it's one of Anne's students. Steve tells him they should get down there.

Commentary: OH - oh. Wow. That was a bit of stilted line delivery from our deputy, but Lance's "Oh, you gotta be kidding me" was HORRIBLE. That may be the worst line reading I've ever seen Lance deliver. [Take that with a grain of salt, I've missed his cheaper direct to video output].

Scene 25: Later the body is loaded aboard a St. Ann's Ambulance. Clearly the mode of death isn't going to be drowning.

A short distance away, Smirky has gotten Anne a cup of water and makes sure to put his arms around her shoulders in emotional support. They're joined by Steve and Deputy with questions. Anne tries to answer them, but she's as upset by the condition of the body as by the death itself. She shoots down Steve's guesses at what might have attacked Assholish from shark to barracuda. But when he presses her [a bit hard, wth?] about what it was, she can't answer that.

Smirky reponds to the raised voices by coming over to interrupt and tell the Chief to give her a break after the shock she's suffered. Tyler is ignored once Steve has his name. Anne also ignores Smirky McKnight-in-Trunks to insist to Steve that she needs to see the body again, which Steve [not unreasonably, but rather jerkily] tells her is out of the question.

After Steve [kinda jerkily] wanders away, Smirky asks if Anne knows 'that robot'. And she responds with "Yes. He's my husband," deflating Smirky's attempts to play McKnight-in-Trunks. And putting a question on his banging her later.

Commentary: Yeah... this scene is... well, it's typical, of course to the point of cliche but that isn't my problem with it. It's Lance's handling of his character here: I'm not sure why he was putting an emphasis on antagonsim, unless he was directed to specifically. It feels like the situation with questioning Anne went from sympathetic to bitchy on a dime, without any sufficient reason.

It think maybe this may be when my opinion of the flick starts to dip in the eventual rating, because not only can I see where the whole moving is going - but now it feels like the characters are going to be degraded in order to fit into established cliches to fit the transparent plot beats going forward. Unfortunate, and unnecessary. We don't need faux tensions, when we have enough already with Anne obviously not living with her husband (or ex... I'm not sure if they're seperated or divorced at this point). And I think we can see what is going to happen with Raoul coming up - which I'm just dreading, because I know I WON'T be surprised.

Scene 26: Back with our minor bandits, Mal comes with the food while Diary-Keeper tells her companion that he's a weird one [he has a stutter... he isn't weird]. She continues to tease that she heard Mal hadn't had sex in six years and promises that Blonde will laugh herself sick when she gets a good look at him.

[Okay. You were kinda innocently charming with the whole minor bandit shtick. But now, you deserve to get eaten.]

The girls are drifting just a bit away from the dock, so that Mal has to pass over the box of treats before he can hop aboard.

[Look, I think Arnie Ross is handsome and his character is sweet. I'm suddenly really disliking Jai, because in keeping with the rest of the script, I can see where this is going.]

Jai has him untie the ropes, and no surprise except to Mal, the girls sail away without him. After making him jump for it, and landing squarely in the water, giggling at him the whole time.

Scene 27: Out in the bay, night has fallen. Mr.-uh, Captain Dumont's mischievious daughter flirts with Chris as her father sleeps.

Commentary: Uh, okay. Th-that was needed. I'm sure of it.

Scene 28: In town, Anne walks the lonely streets still upset and confused by Assholish's death by... something.

She's stalked, I mean joined, by Smirky rushing up on her on a bike. Tyler asks her out to dinner, which she declines. He flirts anyway. She asks to be left alone (politely - which is awfully nice of her). He explains his hope that they'll have a love affair and when she asks what he wants from her, he avoids saying, 'Sex', and instead says he just wants to spend some time with her, wherever she's walking. She asks if he's sure, and then tells him to follow her. His smirking is charming, I'm sure.

Scene 29: Her destination is The Morgue, to his obvious displeasure.

[I have to point out that Steve M's ass looks awfully good in those jeans, though. I just wish his characters wasn't bugging me so.]

Anne uses a card to slide the cheap lock and gain access to Assholish's remains. Tyler has a running commentary about their activities, but at least it has wiped the smirk off of his face.

To Smirky's continued displeasure, Anne has him help her roll the body out of the fridge in order to take photos to review later. [What? Why don't you just let the coroner tell you what bit him up, Anne? Cause of death will be a public record. This is really set up badly to turn her into the standard crusading protagonist, but it isn't making much sense here.]

As Anne snaps pictures in the dark, the overhead lights suddenly snap on. They're caught by Nurse April wondering what funny business they're up to. She has a handy metal pipe with her to threaten. She chases Anne and Smirky out, but Anne leaves behind an ID card.

Scene 30: After she's alone again with the dead, Nurse April tries to put Assholish away. The sheet is stuck under a wheel. As she tries to get it free - which turns out to be more difficult than you would assume, Assholish's arm gives her a jump scare.

And then... (oh, dear god...), and then a Killer Fish bursts from Assholish's dead guts to menace her. (OH NO! And, I don't mean that for the amusing Nurse April, but for me... How can I take this seriously??)

Fish somehow survived in Assholish's guts without water, and in the fridge without complaint until now. But it's hungry. It jumps out of Assholish's guts, flaps its way to Nurse April's throat and digs in.

Commentary: It's uh, Gloriously Something? Too ridiculous? Horribly bad? Fantastically bad? I-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL!

Scene 31: After tearing out Nurse April's throat...

... our flying piranha is able to fly straight through a glass window and out into the night.

Commentary: I'm settling on Ridiculously Glorious. And explaining why a keycard was so important to leave behind, because obvs razorteeth will leave injuries exactly like a weapon so that Steve can accuse romantic-rival Smirky of being a killer... or some variation thereof. Unless it was her keycard - I didn't catch it, but then Steve can suspect his wife/ex-wife of involvement in two mysterious deaths by razorteeth. Whatever - it's going to be stupid, I fear. [Spoiler -- Nope. The card is of little consequence.]

Scene 32: Back at Anne's apartment, she's looking at slides that she created fast of Assholish's remains, while Smirky goes through her fridge. He suggests a new species of fish out there. She brings up the Army's experiments with fish to screw up the rivers of Vietnam years ago. She goes into some of the details that made the news after the whole thing came out in the news - which Tyler missed somehow.

All of this conversation leads to first kiss between Smirky and Anne.

Scene 33: Out in the dark bay, Jai and Loretta are drunk, and complaining about Mal being so presumptuous to think that Jai's offer of a threeway was genuine... The NERVE!

Jai heads below, while Loretta is walking around the edge of the boat. Blonde hears noises, and there is wild bubbling at the side of the boat. While Blonde dries her hair, Jai is doing dishes. Fish start leaping out of the water to land on the boat out of sight. They now squeak like movie-rats.

Jai hears a fish smack against a window, and comes out on deck. Blonde heard it too, but can't see anything that may have caused it.

[It's all trying so hard to build tension, but it's in actuality just taking too long to get to the attack.]

After Loretta finally says she doesn't see a thing, Jai heads back below. Because Blonde lives in Movieverse, she has no peripheral vision. Fish comes from beyond Stage-Left to bite her in the throat, to which she gives underwhelmed cries of sorta-pain, and maybe-horror.

Blonde falls overboard, while Jai runs up on deck to find out why Loretta is kinda-crying in sorta-pain and maybe-horror.

Jai tries to help Blonde aboard, but underwater, she's being devoured. In the meantime, Jai is next as a flying-pirahna attacks the back of her neck.

Despite having her throat being ripped out, Jai is capable of continuing to scream/cry in horror-pain.

Commentary: I wanted to use an exclamation mark in there. I really did. But the attempts to build suspense up to the attack, just sucked energy out of the scene, instead. The overdubbing was too intrusive with our ladies harrowing yells. And we're stuck with took good a look at puppet-fish, whose whirring attack sound has for some reasoning been replaced with rat-squeaks, and a few wing flappings.

Look, they did what they could with the darkness and the camera work and the scoring but this is fully ridiculous and that can't be papered over: Especially not when you've got the old standby of the victim fighting for their life by holding a prop to their throat until they have the decency to fall over and die.

sigh  Okay, maybe I'm seeing the low IMDB score a bit more clearly now. I really thought this would be more fun. But I'm going to hold up hope that the big setpiece attack on the beach - for surely that is coming at some point - will be more engaging.

Scene 34: Back in the bay, we get POV returning to the myseriously-well-lit wreck.

Scene 35: Back at Anne's, she sitting up and smoking distractedly while Smirky sleeps the sex off. Outdoors, a storm is rolling in. She leaves bed to return to the photograph/slides of the wounds on Assholish.

[It very suddenly occurs to me that we should've seen some sign of a panicked Raoul by now! Where the hell is the resort manager after a gruesome death of a diver on one of his resort's tours?!]

Anne looks like she's giving the mutant Army piranha another consideration.

Scene 36: Out in the dark bay, Steve is police-boating up to the quiet Minor Bandits Boat. Deputy is already there. They look over the remains of Jai.

Scene 37: Sometime that same night, Steve has now been summoned to the Coroner's due to Nurse April.

On the floor, he finds the ID card for Anne. He looks pissed.

Scene 38: At daybreak, a knock at the door of Anne's hotel room wakes up Smirky. Steve lets himself in, and Smirky has a moment of panic at hearing Anne's husband calling for her. He walks by, and gets the view of what happened with his wife the night before.

Anne wakes up finally, and Smirky has to tell Anne that he tried to pry her arm off so he could duck somewhere, but there wasn't enough time.

Commentary: sigh I'm really in a hard spot here. Mostly I'd complain about cardboard characters who don't have any kind of story to tell, and are just there to die pointlessly. Now, I've got plenty of character going on... but I just kinda don't give a shit. I do want to know if Anne and Steve are still married, but otherwise... just can we quicken the pace a bit on the character stuff?

Ugh, I'm a hypocrite. "Give me more character! / Hurry up through this character crap!"

In my defense though, it's not as if anything surprising or creative is being done with anyone here. These are stock characters playing out stock situations, and while the actors may be adding some zing here and there, all of the stuff between attacks is feeling really rote. And I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is happening at this resort that the customers aren't interested in the dead diver that was mutilated, and Anne hasn't been called into Raoul's office to give some accounting of what happened out in the bay.

For this horrendous death on an excursion, everybody seems willing to just stay laid back about the whole thing. Has anyone even tried to find Assholish's family to let them know he won't be assholing home anytime soon?

Scene 39: Anne goes on a storm through the hallways of the resort to catch up with Steve, dressed - as you would - in her skimpy robe and not much else. Anne confronts Steve, where he whips out her ID card and she admits that she was at the coroner's, as he suspects but she demands that he listen to her reasoning.

She tries to explain her theory of Army fish, but she's cut off with news that the nurse at the coroner's had her throat ripped out on dry land, and there are the remains of Jai found on her boat. He tells her that he has three bodies now and his wife was the last person to see two of them alive!

He shouts at her to stay out of this investigation, and next time lock her damned door.


Tags: review piranha

  • Hello, my Loves... so much time has passed.

    . Chriminy-Sticks. I know, I know... I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place that many of you will not grasp, and many of you will…

  • Boom!Buffy reviewed: issue 20

    . Boom!Buffy the Vampire Slayer Issue 20 Writers: Jordie Bellaire & Jeremy Lambert, Artwork: Ramon Bachs & Raúl Angulo, Lettering:…

  • Review: Boom!Angel number 16

    . Boom!Angel Issue 16 Writer: Zac Thompson, Artwork: Hayden Sherman & Roman Titov, Lettering: Ed Dukeshire Cover: Gleb Melnikov Page…

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened