harsens_rob (harsens_rob) wrote,

Movie Reviewed: Piranha (1978), part I



DIR: Joe Dante
Starring: Bradford Dillman, Heather Menzies, Kevin McCarthy

Blurb: An army laboratory conducting top-secret genetic research on piranha for biological warfare accidentally releases their experiments (no they don't... that would be the good guys) in the water supply... and the fish are headed downstream toward a summer camp.

Scene 01: We open on a downward pan shot at night from the top of a security fence as ominous music plays.

Old, wore out signs report that this is a restricted area and there is to be no trespassing.

Out in the night, young girl and boytoy are hiking near Stageset Creek. They're following Stageset Creek just to see where it goes, which leads to our "No Trespassing" sign. Boytoy says it looks like the place has been deserted for awhile, whatever it used to be.

Our two adventuresome kids head on inside through the in-disrepair chain link fence.

Girl wonders why the place isn't shown on Boytoy's map. Obvs, nothing happens and they spend a boring night under the moon... hah, no...

Scene 02: Through another chain link fence, and they come to a large, dark pool. Our girl is inexplicably excited by this and gives us the Super-70s "Far out!".

As girl tips her hand into the water and assures Boytoy that it feels great, they plan on going for a little swim. In the dark water, we see a bloodshot eye suddenly pop open.

Boy suddenly worries that they're in a sewage treatment plant or something, but Girl laughs this off, and pushes him in, so he has his pants on. She in the meantime is, of course, topless. She strips down to her underwear, giving us a flash of pubes - in case that really does it for you in your horror. She dives in after Boytoy.

Boy reacts with sudden pain, while Girl is underwater. When she surfaces he complains that she wasn't funny, and he can't believe she actually bit him. She has no idea what he's talking about.

They swim. He insists something bit him. She disbelieves. She swims ahead. He stops. He yells at her that there is something in the water with them. She swims toward him, but he disappears. We see red, but she doesn't as it's really dark, instead of Hollywood dark. She calls David's name a few times in growing panic. As the clouds drift over the moon, she starts screaming.

Scene 03: To horror-suspense music, she reaches an arm up but doesn't have the strength left to pull herself out of the water... she slides back under to join David. From a building in the distance, a single light suddenly winks on. A man looks out curiously, but there isn't anything left to indicate that there is a problem.

Commentary: Honestly, I can't remember if this opening would've struck me as so cliched back in the late 70's. It's not that different from the 50's horror openings, I guess, except for the set of boobies. Whatever -- it's a comforting bit of expectation, and both the actor and actress do well enough that you're not begging them to die quickly in order to shut them up.

Title Credits

Scene 04: We join a screen of a 70's era video cabinet game of a diver being chased by a shark. This is being played by a blonde woman, who we'll simply call Maggie.

Scene 05: At a rental counter an older gentleman questions why "she'd" need a Jeep. The counter woman explains that she'll be traveling unpaved, mountain roads, and he gives in to the more expensive rental.

Scene 06: The "she" is of course Maggie and she's being sent on an assignment by her boss. She's a bond tracer/bounty hunter of the low-risk sort. Earl warns her that she's only worked city assignments but the kids she's after is in the boonies. She's not one to worry it.

As she's leaving to catch her flight, she suddenly goes into a panic that she can't find her ticket. That is because Earl has it and hadn't handed it to her yet... *whaa-whaa-whaaaaa*.

She assures him she's got this, and it's money in the bank. He reminds her that it's his money.

Scene 07: Cut to a quiet, slow river drifting by. Next to this walks an old man pulling a wagon up a hill, with his loyal dog bounding at his side.

This is old Jack. He's delivering supplies to Paul Grogan, which seems to be made of nothing but bottles of alcohol. To be fair, there is also corn meal. Paul pays old Jack for the service.

It becomes apparent through conversation that Paul is grouchy and caustic, but Jack doesn't take it personally.

Scene 08: With Maggie, we find that the rental clerk was absolutely right -- the roads that she is traveling are AWFUL. Unfortunately, that doesn't save her from the Jeep overheating and spraying hot steam out from under the engine.

Scene 09: Back with Paul, he's frying up some fresh fish from that river that Old Jack just loves.

He's interrupted by the arrival of Maggie, who was actually on her way to speak to him. She's hoping that maybe he saw the backpacking kids that she's tracing, but he denies seeing them. He's gruff, she's sunny... surely there will be a love connection somewhere in here.

Paul tries to escape Maggie, but she follows him and continues to pepper him with questions about possible places that the two lovebirds could be holed up and hiding out.

Which causes Paul to mention the upriver Army testing facility up the mountain, but assures her there would be nothing interesting there, since it's been closed for several years.

Maggie though wants to check it out, anyway, and tell Grogan that he's going to take her up there to show her. He insists that he isn't in gruff-asshole tone.

Scene 10: Which of course, is why they're both next in the recovered Jeep and heading up the mountain to the closed Army testing facility (and that ladies & gentleman, concludes our cute-meet).

Commentary: So, already I'm liking the acting between Bradford (a nice trick, since Paul is being deliberately unlikeable) and Heather (a nice trick, since Maggie is pushy and nosy). The last few scenes have been a bit on the leisurely side, to let us know our characters a bit, but since they don't really give us any idea how Maggie ended up a skip-tracer, and we don't hear why Paul is being a gruff ass, it's also not actually telling us anything.

I'm of two minds on this one. One one hand, I don't think that I really minded the character-meets before we get to the B-Horror. On the other hand, I do think a little trimming could've been welcomed to get us to the closed Army facility a few minutes faster, without actually losing anything.

Scene 11: On the hellishly bad road up the mountain, Heather accuses Paul of thinking that she's wasting her time. He responds that he thinks she's wasting his time.

But at least he has a canteen of booze to help him through.

When they arrive at the facility, Maggie uses a small hand ax to break the gate lock.

Scene 12: They go down a steep hill, and by all accounts, the facility is closed. But we know there is at least one person living in this abandoned place for reasons yet to be explained. Perhaps something to do with Army testing, and piranhas. I mean, that's just a guess.

Finding nothing of the kids, Heather asks after what the facility was testing. Paul tells her that he had hiked up here himself with his ex-wife once, and the facility had guard dogs, electric fences - the whole works. Nobody around there ever knew what exactly they were up to.

Scene 13: Maggie finds a pendant lying on the ground with Barbara Randolph's initials, proving that the kids were up here.

Paul dips his hand into the pool we saw the kids die in, and we hear a weird warbling sound. A POV comes for the hand, but Paul pulls it back out Just In Time, offering the water is really cold.

Maggie mentions that both kids' parents said each was an excellent swimmer, but Paul offers that surely they'd be floating if they'd drowned. But Maggie points out it takes time for a body to bloat with gasses.

She wonders if there is a way to drain the pool.

Scene 14: In the facility's main building, they poke around some more. Paul out of general curiosity, Maggie for controls to drain the pool and see if the kids are at the bottom.

They find a sink filled with plastic contraptions. Paul offers it looks like a tropical fish tank set up, but Maggie points out it's set up like a maze -- the kind that lab rats would have to finish in order to get a reward. It's all quite curious.

At a desk, Maggie finds a cup of coffee. When she picks it up, she reports to Paul that it's still warm. They find a closed door.

Scene 15: Beyond this door, they find another lab set, and it is clearly still active.

We see, but they don't, a two legged, tailed, amphibious creature walking around among the flasks in the room!

Maggie looks at jars of specimens being preserved, all of which seem to be fish of different types and mutations.

Another tank holds a live specimen of what could be a mutated piranha, but it seems anchored to the bottom of the tank by an altered tail... like some sort of bulky tubeworm.

Very clearly, lab experimentation is continuing at this "closed" facility!

Paul tells Maggie they should get out of there.

Scene 16: Back in the maze-sink room, Maggie spots a backpack. She unloads it to find evidence that it belongs to our kids, meaning that they had been there, and heavily suggesting that they never left.

Maggie decides that they have to drain the pond, now. Paul tries to talk her out of it without getting somebody's permission, but she's not to be detoured. She finds a lever.

She trips the lever, when suddenly there is an older gentleman with a large boat hook! He shouts at the intruders, and pushes Maggie aside to get to the lever. But Paul takes it as an attempt to hurt her with the hook, and there is a general tussel, all the while the Pool of Dead Twenty-Something-Kids drains its contents.

Our hermit is rendered unconscious, and we see that the mobile amphibian thingie left the rear lab at the same time as our "heroes" did, as it's walking around under tables.

Commentary: Okay. This was weird. The stop motion critter is cute, and all. And obvs it signifies that the hermit will be our scientist continuing experiments at the shut down facility. What is really bizarre about its inclusion though, is how Paul and Maggie never see it. The hermit, Dr. Hoak, never mentions it. And we never see it again.

It's just this entirely random bit of stop motion puppetry that has nothing to do with the main threat, and will never be referred to again by anything else in the script.

But I gotta admit, that it certainly suddenly boosted interest in what had been dry walk & talk, so it certainly wasn't unwelcomed. It's inclusion was just oddly handled (I want to say that this wasn't in the original script and was a "what the hell, toss it in" thing, but I can't remember if I'd learned that at some point, or if I'm making that up now).

I liked it though. And, I WANT ONE!

Scene 17: Paul and Maggie have gone outdoors to check out the drained pool for bodies. Paul entirely randomly puts his hand under a pipe feeding the pool that is still slowly running, and then tastes it.

[Why Paul? Why. -- To set up a plot point later, of course, but in-universe - WHY?]

He finds the water is salty, which is certainly odd.

Maggie asks where the pool drains to, and Paul tells her the place was a fish hatchery before the Army took it over, so it probably drains underground and into the river.

At the drainage grill over the pipe leading underground, Maggie and Paul find bones, but they appear to be canine. Paul points out that the kids couldn't have fit through there during the pool drain, and Maggie agrees they wouldn't have fit in one piece at any rate.

Maggie looks back up in the direction of the building, and wonders if the old man is okay. Which is old man's cue to start the Jeep engine. Paul gives an, "Oooohhh, SHIT!" as he and Maggie are about to find themselves stranded.

Commentary: This scene creates a bit of a plot hole, that is easy to not notice... and in fact, I didn't until I'm taking the time now to focus on scene by scene. It doesn't really make any sense that a dog's bones would be found struck in the grate, but the human bones aren't. If the Piranha ate every trace the dog would've been entirely consumed. But since there are bones, they obvs can't chew through them, so the kids remains weren't entirely wiped out. Which means that certain bones would simply be too large to conveniently flush down the outlet -- ribcage/sternum, the long leg bones, and the skull still should've been found.

Scene 18: Maggie and Paul race for where they left the Jeep parked. Meanwhile, Dr. Hoak is still woozy from his head wound. And, he's clearly frightened by whatever was drained along with the water into the nearby river (like, maaayyybeee... I don't know, some piranha).

Maggie says that she must've left the keys in it, to Paul's exaggerated eye roll.

Scene 19: Meanwhile, Hoak is driving far too fast for the road condition, and in his woozy state.

He greys out, and sends the Jeep into an embankment, that rolls the vehicle over.

As he crawls out of the crashed Jeep, Maggie and Paul have somehow caught up on foot.

[Clearly, Paul and Maggie are fake identities for the undercover Steve and Jaime.]

They rush up to Robert, to find him unconscious.

Scene 20: Sometime later, they've gotten Hoak back to... Paul's cabin. And have him trussed up. He panics about Razorteeth, which naturally Mags and Paul are mystified by. He warns them that 'they' breed like flies and there will be no way to stop them. (It's unexplained how -- apparently flipping the Jeep didn't kill the vehicle, which I can buy I guess if I don't dwell on it.)

Paul tries to get out of Robert about the kids, but Hoak has slipped into a fugue state of panic. Paul believes he's drunk. Robert declares that "they'll" kill all of them (sounding like he means the army).

Scene 21: In the living room, Paul and Maggie have to decide what to do next. Paul is busy with his canteen of liquid comfort. Maggie asks if he started drinking before or after his wife left him.


Maggie draws out of Paul that he'd been married 10 years, lived in town and that he'd worked at a smelting plant downriver, but that was closed by the government because it was killing too many fish with the castoff. The Army purchased the property, and then sold it to some resort developer.

He's on backpay and unemployment, but is looking to have to find other work in the upcoming Sept.

And he has a daughter, who lives with him, but we haven't met yet.

Paul and Maggie sleep on his couch (his bed is taken by Hoak), fully clothed and with nothing torrid in the Day-for-Night.

Scene 22: The next morning, the sun comes up over our seemingly peaceful river.

At the cabin, Paul is in the kitchen complaining that they can't get Robert to town without her Jeep.

[Ooops. That really opens a hole in how they managed to carry him down the mountain this far to Paul's cabin, then. Okay -- Uh. The Jeep temporarily worked, but then finally died close to Paul's place, but it's out on the roadway which is why we haven't seen it.]

Maggie is browsing Paul's living room bric-a-brac, and finds a picture of his daughter.

Paul tells her that they'll take Robert on a raft downriver to the dam. There is usually a ranger there, who will be able to call in an ambulance.

Scene 23: Paul leads Maggie down an embankment, and proudly shows off the raft that he and his daughter built from lashed logs. She asks after her whereabouts, and Paul shares that she's downriver at summer camp. Maggie is uneasy about floating on the raft, but Paul thinks it can carry three people.

But he also shares that they never got to try it. It turns out that his daughter is afraid of the river.

Scene 24: Speaking of... his daughter is on the other side of the dam, dangling her toes.

She's joined by one of the councilers, who is trying to allay her fears about what she can't see under the water (I have this fear!).

They're joined by the Camp Runner: Mr. Dumont, who is not at all sympathetic toward unfounded fears of the river. He tells Suzy that she doesn't want to be the one to lose the camp competition for her group, so she needs to find her guts for the solo swim and earn her water badge, despite Laura trying to distract him.

Laura offers to play a game of monopoly, instead, and tells Suzy that they'll try an intertude tomorrow. As they wander away, Suzy stares at the river.

Commentary: Oh, I like Laura already (Melody Thomas). Which means, she's probably doomed. Damn.

Scene 25: Elsewhere upriver, Old Jack is drunkenly babbling to his dog while throwing old food into the river. His legs are dangling in the water.

[Brandy remains distracted by the camera crew offshore.]

Ramble, Ramble - all drunkenly slurred and annoying.

Brandy starts whining at the river. Out in the river, a piece of floating raw meat tossed in by Jack (don't ask) disappears in a sudden jerk underwater.

Scene 26: Underwater POV suddenly rushes for Old Jack's dangling legs. He screams, but is too drunk and in pain to pull his legs out of the water, so scream-scream-scream.

Underwater, dark shapes of piranha frenzy feed, and chunks of meat and blood cloud around them.

Brandy barks at the churling water at the end of the dock.

Commentary: I like the practical effects for the attacking fish. They don't always completely work, but I just can't get as involved when the attackers are digital trickery (especially cheap and shitty digital trickery), so the fact that these plasti-fish are actual props does wonders for me.

And I even love the counterintuitive noise the attacking fish insists on making. It's weird sounding, but works nicely to support the frenzy that the killer fish are causing.

This is a really fun movie because of the prop fish and the theme sound for them. So good show, Mr. Dante.

Scene 27: Upriver further, Paul, Maggie and the reclining Robert are lazily floating downstream. Maggie's fingers are tracing through the water.

Paul starts interrogating Robert for answers about what was going on at the weird lab set up.

Robert sees Maggie dragging her fingers through the water and shouts a warning to stop doing that.

Paul asks for a name, which is finally revealed (which I blew way early... so not sorry about that) & Maggie wants to know what is wrong with the water. Hoak tells her about the carnivorous fish that she released into the river.

Paul is doubtful, telling Maggie that Piranha are tropical and they wouldn't last a minute in the cold mountain water of the river. But Maggie mentions the dog skeleton, and Hoak has already called the pond a test site....

Paul presses Hoak for answers, but he won't reveal government secrets.

Further questioning is put off by the sounds of Brandy's frantic barking.

Scene 28: Paul decides to direct the raft to shore in order to take a look, as Jack isn't in evidence and Brandy isn't one to usually bark.

Brandy whines and whines and cries. We see Jack's shoes on the dock, his hat on the ground nearby, and a bit of blood at the head of the dock.

She leads Paul and Maggie into Jack's yard, where they find him with his feet and lower legs stripped nearly bare of meat (and he had really, really big feet). He'd apparently crawled this far from the river, before finally bleeding out.

Fighting back some tears, Paul goes for a shovel, telling Maggie that he wouldn't have wanted to be buried in town.

Scene 29: Back at the camp, Suzy is with another Counciler - Betsy, who are throwing darts at a photo of Mr. Dumont and talking about Suzy's fear of the water.

Betsy tells Suzy she'll help her get out of the innertube race running later that day. She brings her to a box of art supplies, and take a red marker to her knee. She tells her that if Mr. Dumont squawks to limp a lot, and she'll go get a large bandage.

Scene 30: Upriver, between Jack's and the dam, a father/son duo are in a canoe fishing. They've decided to net fish over lines but the net is tangled on some junk at the bottom, and bumbling dad has done gone and tangled himself up in the line.

Dad starts experiencing pain, and before he can yank himself free of the tangled line, he's yelling in pain as son sees blood and bubble erupt around his arm!

The canoe tips over, sending father below the surface, while son manages to hang onto and climb atop the canoe, while screaming 'Dad!' over and over.

Son is surrounded by dad's blood.

Commentary: This scene was actually very well done. I liked the way the son was kept out of the river, without cheating by giving him a death exemption, and the excuse for the father not yanking his arm out of the water, and ending up dead was better handled that Jack's not lifting his feet.

I'm also liking the music for the attack scenes, and of course, we've mentioned the 'attacking piranha' sounds.

Scene 30: On the raft, Hoak has come clean on the bio-weapons program he was working on.

Operation Razorteeth was designed to produce genetically altered piranha to dump into the river systems of the North Vietnamese. But then that war ended, and the Army cancelled the project. They tried to poison the mutants, but some of the altered genes made a few select breeds capable of resisting the toxin.

As you could expect, Paul and Maggie are appauled. Hoak plays the "just a scientist, you blame the politicians and military people" card to deny moral responsibility for having released their test subjects into rivers where civilians were working & children were swimming.

Maggie's mention of the practical effects of what Hoak gave to the military to test in the War makes Paul realize that there are kids in their river, too. Including his daughter at the summer camp.

Paul tells Maggie that the dam releases water downriver every few days to keep the water level stable in the dam created lake. The summer camp and further down, the resort full of people will be targets if the dam releases water and the piranha are washed through.

Scene 31: Downriver, the kids at the summer camp are splashing around on their innertubes.

Scene 32: On the raft, Dr. Hoak again tells his traveling companions that he was only involved in research. Maggie reminds him that the experiment was supposed to have ended, but he kept feeding them.

He justifies this as he continuing the experiments, pushing the fish in further directions, but again it was research, not practical use.

He's appalled that Paul and Maggie are holding him responsible, when they're the ones who released the fish. Paul tells him to shut up, or get a pole down his throat.

Maggie worries that they've opened the dam, already, but Paul tells her they have time.

Commentary: I'm really liking the performance of Kevin McCarthy as well. His introduction was a bit clumsy, and his having to act crazed but not spilling anything (which the title did anyway) was also a bit ridiculous, but his performance now that Hoak is sharing information has been solid.

Scene 33: Along the river, Robert, Maggie and Paul come across the boy clinging to the canoe, and still calling for his dad, who is nowhere to be found, naturally.

Maggie exclaims the canoe is sinking!

Robert dives in to get to the child... (um... because, uh, he'll levitate him from touching the water?). He swims to the sinking canoe.

Paul and Maggie try to move their raft faster, but there is only so much speed your getting from poling the bottom to push you along.

Hoak comes under assault by his creation, as all scientists must. But he's able to lift the boy far enough from the water to hand him over to Paul and Maggie, so they can yank him aboard the raft.

They pull Hoak onboard next. But his injuries are too severe, and he dies moments later of shock, before he can tell Paul how to stop the fish.

Scene 34: We check in briefly with the summer camp again. Dumont finds his picture full of darts.

Scene 35: Back on the river, Paul and Maggie push the raft in silence, carrying our survivor and the corpse of Dr. Hoak.

The don't notice that Robert's bloody hand is dipping in the water, leaving a scent trail. But the piranha notice. They began chewing at Hoak's hand, but also, in their frenzy, they attack the raft's lashing due to the blood that has dripped between the logs making up the raft.

As Paul and Maggie begin to realize that they're not as safe as they thought aboard the raft, that conveyence is starting to come apart!

Paul realizes what is happening, and over the protests of the still-in-shock boy, roles Hoak's body into the river. But that isn't enough, because the damage has already been done to the lashing, & also, there is still the blood on the logs themselves still dripping and sliding into the water underneath them. The logs continue to drift from one another.

The boy has transferred his father to Robert, and fights with Paul and Maggie to reach in and pull his dad to safety via recovering Hoak's body. He's wrestled until the bloody water subsides when everyone's attention returns to the fact that the fish haven't stopped attacking the underside of the raft, and the lashing holding it together!

Paul poles the end of the raft they're stuck on close enough to the shore for them to leap onto the embankment... Just. In. Time.

Commentary: Yeah, yeah, this is all filled with cliche, but y'know what, Tropes Aren't Bad. This extended scene was well shot, it had excitement, a tragic death (admittedly of someone who HAD to die because he tampered with that-there science), the music was used well. It was a good scene. The fish effects were a bit more hit and miss, but Dante thankfully didn't hold on them so long as to have the illusion fall apart before your eyes, even if a few individual shots looked a bit shaky.

The movie was very clearly a part of the Post-Jaws rampaging nature cycle, and the script shows that a bit too clearly not to notice, but it's a fun little B-Movie and I am liking it.

Scene 36: Once they hit shore, Maggie is left with the boy, while Paul has to make a mad run for the ranger on duty at the dam to stop him from releasing water past the barrier and letting the fish downriver.

As Paul dashes through the woods, he hears the warning horn sounding that water is about to be released through the floodgates.

The ranger is distracted by his public-access cartoon on the portable black & white television, giving Paul a shot to hustle and stop the disaster in its tracks.

On the television, a commercial comes on for the resort that is having its grand opening.

With the ranger so distracted, Paul in fact does stop the gates from opening!

Scene 37: Cue the Army comes late to the rescue (except, we're only 43 minutes into the movie, sooo...).

The army is skeptical of Paul's wild claims of course, but they do have a scientist with them.

Dr. [Barbara] Mengers insists that his tales are simply not plausible, but in the meantime, a grunt is throwing a beef leg into the river on a rope to see if it's fed on by the supposed mutant fish.

They give it a moment, and when the haul the leg back, it's been stripped to the bone.

With it confirmed that Paul and Maggie aren't delusional, the Army kicks into gear to poison the fish, which they just happen to have with them in large quantities. Paul calls bullshit, and accuses them of already knowing about Hoak's work, and that the threat was real, or they wouldn't be so prepared to deal with it.

The Colonel tells Paul and Maggie that they're the only civilians to know of the crisis. Dr. Mengers clarifies that the general is asking them to join their little team by keeping their mouths shut about the operation for national security.

Paul and Maggie storm away.

Commentary: I liked this. We're going to obvs have to distrust the military because it's the 70s, so they're default is to be EEEvil - and the movie isn't nearly over, yet. But it's nice that they are acting like they need to take the report seriously enough to check out, even if it sounds ridiculous. Though, they obvs must know that Paul's tale has to be true... surely they would've known that Hoak was still playing at their former facility?

Anyway, [Barbara] Mengers is played by Barbara Steele, and there is no time in any genre film where she is not a welcomed sight! I did squee just a little when I saw her name in the credits, and I got an immediate mood lift when I saw her exit the army Jeep. Yay, Barbara!!

Scene 38: But they haven't gone far: In the dam, Paul shows the Colonel a map of the river system, and shows him a bypass around the dam in the natural system that the fish could use as an alternate route if they decide they don't want to be stuck and die of poisoning.

They'd only have to swim up a small stream feeding into the main river, then take a fork downstream to the rejoin the main river below the obstacle in their way.

Meanwhile, Maggie is asking Dr. Mengers if they shouldn't treat the bypass in case the piranha find it, but [Barbara] insists that the fish haven't the intelligence for such thinking (but she's also looking a bit extra shifty about this whole thing).

Maggie points out Dr. Hoak was breeding them for endurance and intelligence, but Dr. Mengers blows this off as 'Bob' being a dreamer. Maggie catches this and asks if [Barbara] knew Hoak. She blows this off as well, as fish genetics being a very small field, but her body language is speaking volumes about her knowing Robert well... perhaps even enough to have been involved in the program at some point, herself. Maggie asks if she was friends with Hoak, and Mengers admits they were a great deal more than that. Maggie takes this as a sign that the army is there to cover everything up, despite the five deaths that are known about.

[Barb] makes it clear that saving the secret program, by hushing everything up is more important than a few people's lives in this case.

In the meantime, the Colonel and Paul are completing their argument with the Colonel insisting that the boys in green have everything under control. Maggie tries to stop Paul's mouth, but he asks the Colonel what happens if he squawks, putting the Colonel on edge immediately. He reminds Paul that this is a matter of national security, so they have extreme latitude in this case: He orders that Paul and Maggie are to be secured under guard overnight.

Scene 39: That night, Paul and Maggie talk through options. Paul tells the disbelieving Maggie that she'll have to distract the guard by coming onto him, while he's preparing to use the sleeping bag to entangle the soldier on watch and then somehow get away. She rolls her eyes, but goes to do as he asks.

She turns, and asks about what they'll do if the soldier is gay and Paul tells her then he'll distract him.

Maggie babbles unconvincingly at the giant of a man guarding them. She asks if he's gay, which confuses him. Giving up conversation, she pops her top, instead. As he's taken aback by crazy lady, Paul uses the zipped, except for the top sleeping bag to unconvincingly cover the soldiers head and shoulders, and drag him into the tent to be knocked unconscious.

Commentary: Yeah. Unconvincing is the right word. But for those who can't get enough, we do get a glimpse of Da Boobies. And this soldier's career is SO over.

Tags: review piranha

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