Before we dive today into our next Best Of / Worst of post, I wanted to let you know which review I’m working on for the next review post. It’s the movie, ‘Carnage’. Now, thus far I haven’t found it to be as bad as IMDB suggests – but I’m still less than 20 minutes into it and experience with such movies as “A Face in the Fog” has taught me that I can easily start out thinking that a movie is okay, and then start really hating it by the end.
Our Best Of / Worst Of posting this time out is for the Mexican horror movie, “Cementerio del Terror / Cemetery of Terror”. I’ve considered doing the Best / Worst for this movie’s characters at least four times previously, and every time the task just seemed too daunting because these characters were SO BORING. And there were so many of them. That tends to happen when you have a cast swap over half way into the movie. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to include all of them as ‘major characters’… but unfortunately, I was so uninterested in these people that I fell back on nicknames throughout the picture so that I wouldn’t have to keep going back to check for their actual names… my bad.
But I’ve decided to just really do it this time and get it off my list. Our main players that we’ll be looking at are:
Dr. Camilo Cardan
The Captain (our local Sheriff)
Former Pop-Princess (the blonde, and so named because that is what I called her in my review of ‘Ladrones de Tumbas’ which is a better movie)
Red Neck-kerchief (boy who wears… well, guess)
White Shirt (a guy)
Tri-Color Top Girl (who I believe is Marianna – so I could’ve used her name, I guess)
Tony (a kid who acts as the ‘adult’ for the group of kids he’s with)
The Captain’s daughter
Usi (another otherwise random kid - named after the actress who I think – but I’m not sure – plays her because she was actually convincing in her role).
Our Characters Impress:
Camilo Cardan: Dr. Cardan does get a few heroic moments where he saves a group of kids that have gotten themselves tangled up in the fight against Devlon. KUDO
The Captain: The police captain has severe problems as a character. Although he has a decent amount of screen time, I can’t find anything worth rewarding.
Olivia: I have to give Olivia some credit for getting the killer dead-to-rights. If he hadn’t been supernatural, she would’ve survived and saved her friends. Her moment of awesome is blunted though by the fact that she could’ve escaped if she wasn’t so dumb. Half-Kudo
Former Pop-Princess: Our very 80’s girl doesn’t get any kudo-worthy action.
Red Neck-kerchief Guy: Olivia’s boyfriend doesn’t have any kudo worthy actions.
White Shirt Guy: Well, White Shirt Guy is one of the few of our young people to actually grab a weapon at some point. He’ll get a Half-Kudo for grabbing an axe on his way to ‘rescue’ his girlfriend, Former Pop Princess… for all the good it did.
Tri-Color Top Girl/Marianna: The poor girl doesn’t get any kudos.
Beard Guy: Ah, beard guy… he of the happy-eyes. Not a single kudo worthy thing to be found.
Tony-kid: Tony actually has several good moments. He definitely gets a KUDO. It’s just a matter of what I’m going to reward. I think I’m issuing a general one for him, rather than any individual action. He’s the only kid who keeps it together, constantly takes proactive action to save himself and his friends, and does the smart thing that all of the older young adults failed to do. Good going, Tony!
Police Captain’s Daughter: The captain’s young daughter is able to keep her head enough to use a cross to drive back evil zombies, saving the otherwise trapped Cardan and her friends from immediate death. KUDO
Usi: This little girl is the big hero of the movie, having the wits and personal strength to fight to throw the mystical tome of Devlon into the fireplace. It disrupts his powers and destroys the zombie hoard he’d summoned, saving her and all of her friends. KUDO
Our Characters Blow It:
Dr. Cardan: The doctor spends an inordinate amount of time literally randomly driving aimlessly around the city, as if he’s going to just so happen to run into the resurrected serial killer. It’s stupid… and horribly boring. But he’s getting the Half-Demerit for the stupid part.
Police Captain: I’m afraid The Captain is rather badly used as a dupe by Cardan. I’m issuing a DEMERIT to him for his utter lack of common sense. Dr. Cardan has proved himself to be obsessed with getting our killer Devlon’s body cremated as soon as possible. He turns up with a document giving him access to that very body in the middle of the night, badly forged with the signature of a judge that The Captain already knows is out of town… and The Captain never even questions it.
Olivia: Our thought-to-be-final-girl gets a DEMERIT for being a part of the corpse stealing-Satan summoning prank along with her friends. Corpse Stealing, Olivia?? Really?!
Former Pop-Princess: Like with Olivia, Princess refuses to not play along with the boys’ incredibly dense plan to raid the city morgue for a corpse. DEMERIT
Red Neck-kerchief Guy: Yeah, he joins in getting a DEMERIT for the corpse stealing.
White Shirt: More than anyone else, White Shirt Guy is the reason that everything turns to horror. He gets a large DEMERIT for planning and executing the morgue raid and the dark magic playing.
Tri-Color Top Girl: Yep… she was in on the whole ‘steal a body’ thing. DEMERIT
Beard Guy: You were cute, but you were also a corpse stealer. DEMERIT
Tony-kid: You’re an idiot. Tony thought nothing of taking young children out of the neighborhood in a stranger’s van and to a cemetery that is miles away with no obvious way to return home in order to play some half-assed courage prank. DEMERIT
Police Captain’s Daughter: She, along with all of the kids, is a part of Tony’s idiotic night of festivities. She’s more than old enough to know better. DEMERIT
Usi: She joins with Tony and Captain’s Daughter in being too old to have thought Tony’s idiotic plans to hitchhike to a graveyard miles from home was a good idea. DEMERIT
I’m also going to issue a special DEMERIT to the panel van driver who thought nothing of picking up a group of kids at the side of the road, driving them miles away to a cemetery in the middle of the night to “visit their grandparent”, and then drive off and leave them all there unattended. Life in Mexico really is different.
Ugh – that was just as exhausting as actually watching this boring movie.