harsens_rob (harsens_rob) wrote,

Movie Review: Cementerio Del Terror, Part II of III

crypt of terror

Scene 31: Outside, girls impatient. And, scene.

Scene 32: Captain's car pulls up in front of morgue at front door. Captain doesn't question why this all couldn't wait for regular working hours in addition to not wondering if he should confirm the orders to release a murderer's body to the obviously obsessive psychiatrist with an unhealthy fixation on it after presenting an obviously badly done forgery from a Judge who isn't in town to have signed it.


Commentary: Oh, and music turns into some sort of... I don't even know... electronic sound effects that might have shown up on the late 70's or early 80's Doctor Who. WTF.

Doctor pounds on door to get guards' attention. He's walking around with the top 4 buttons of his shirt undone. I thought that required a Macho Hairy Chest, but apparently not in Mexico. Captain presents suspicious order to have Devlon cremated immediately, which you'd think would require the Coroner's sign off on the paperwork or something, but not in Mexico.

Scene 33: Meanwhile, our intrepid trio are still slooooowwwwwly rolling the corpse out.

Commentary: The music isn't even trying to help us with suspense at this point. Although, I am expecting some Aliens-of-the-Week to come along at any moment. Followed by the TARDIS with The Doctor being partial to long, draping scarves.

Scene 34: The guard looks over the paperwork presented. If he finds any of this really unusual, he doesn't say anything. Maybe because the document was presented by the Captain, but my money's on Doctor Cardan's chest dazzling him into a stupor.

Scene 35: We're still rolling the body down the corridor. And suddenly all of the lights are on, too, where before they were all turned off. Our Boys don't notice.

They put the corpse in the car. Everyone piles in. The girls don't object or refuse to go along with this insanity.

Scene 36: Devlon is discovered missing. Captain is not at all pleased with security. Doctor is looking pissed.

Captain and Doctor exchange tense, pissy dialog.

Scene 37: We skip over to the cemetery where we have a badly done slow zoom onto the full moon. Red Neck-kerchief reads from Devlon's journal which contains a bring-me-back-to-life spell. We get pans over the faces of RN-k's friends looking uncomfortable... a bit too late.

Commentary: And the music track now takes it cue from the original Amityville Horror, specifically the "Ahh-ah, Ahh-ah" single high-pitch voice that signified demonic activity was coming... except kind of tunelessly.

The spell contains the following, "Because it is the 6th day of the 6th month. And the 6th hour."

Commentary: So... the spell is specifically referring to June 6th, at 0600 or 1800? Doesn't that mean that it is useless, since they're currently casting it on 10/31, sometime prior to 10pm but well after dark? Didn't your script just shoot your entire plot point in its own foot?!

I hate you, movie.

Above our group, wild lightning and thunder rages suddenly, despite still being a completely clear night with that full moon shining brightly and boldly enough to receive another close up. No one wonders why the sky is clear, but it sounds like a storm. Well, you know, I do but I'm not in the movie.

As RN-c keeps on going and going, it starts to pour rain. Everyone, other than RN-c wants to get back to the house since they're getting soaked. White Shirt insists he saw Devlon's hand move, but no one believes him (his fingers curled). They all take off for the abandoned house (rather than, ohhhh... going home for the night), but leave the body where they placed it.

Scene 38: Back in the Captain's car with him and Doctor. Doctor complains that something diabolical is going on. Captain insists it's nothing but a stolen corpse. He then gets a call from dispatch asking that he call his wife immediately.

Somehow, despite being in the same city as the graveyard, there is no sign of any storm. Magic.

Scene 39: In the cemetery, Devlon has awoken (And its only 39 minutes into the movie... wait... it hasn't been 75 yet?!?) and goes stalking through the graveyard.

We stupidly switch between Devlon walking, to POV, to Devlon's legs... who the hell was the POV? If it was Devlon, then who is looking at his legs?

Commentary: You cannot swap the viewpoint like this in the same scene and have it make sense, you stupid movie. Decide whether we're a POV or an objective view in this scene and then switch scenes, changing the POV when we return to the killer. And stop trying to emulate Friday the 13th and its knockoffs. Even if you are being a knockoff yourself. It's too late to try to generate tension now, you need to get to the killing and focus on the gorn and body count. *sigh*

B-but, I'm glad I chose this one for my Halloween review! Yes. Yeah... glad.

Also, the rain lessens just as suddenly as it cropped up now that the spell has been invoked.

Scene 40: I don't believe this.

So, remember that van which picked up Captain's brats and their friends? Well, it has just now finally arrived at the cemetery. Lord only knows what was going on this whole time in the back of that van, but the kids don't seem traumatized, so I'll assume they were just singing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall and wanted to reach zero before leaving our anonymous van driver.

ALSO -- He doesn't think that dropping the kids off here 'to visit grandfather' is a really stupid thing to do at this time of night. Because, obvs it isn't.

The kids enter the cemetery gates. They light candles to see their way. 10pm curfew guy reminds the others he has to get back home by then... but doesn't wonder just how he's going to manage that, since their ride dropped them off and drove away and with the amount of time it took, they've gotta be MILES away from his house.

Commentary: I hate you, movie.

We spend an inordinate amount of time with a static shot from across the street (and it isn't a POV watching them) as they light each and every candle in real time.

Commentary: I'm not just bored now. I'm miffed.

After the kids, finally, walk away from the static shot we see the gate close on its own. They don't hear it squeak shut, even though it is loud enough to sound right next to our ear from across the street where the camera is sitting.

Scene 41: Back in the car, where who the f* knows where Captain and Doctor are wandering. Captain pulls over to call his wife from a payphone to Cardan's annoyance. Mrs. Captain is frantic because the children haven't returned from their neighborhood trick-or-treating. As Captain tries to calm her down, Doctor scoots over into the driver's seat and takes off with the car! HAH-hah.

Captain has to call the station for a pickup. He doesn't bother to mention that Cardan just stole his car and he wants him pulled over or anything.

Scene 42: Back at the Home Of Doom, Olivia has lost all sense and is now giggly and romantic since that whole corpse stealing and sacrilegious goings-on by her boyfriend, Red Neck-kerchief. She pops the bubbly and loses half the bottle all over the table and floor. They start to snuggle.

He's lost his kerchief, by the way... and has joined Cardan in unbuttoning his shirt down to his waist. In case you thought all the difference in your enjoyment of the movie was a male nipple shot, I present:


They start unconvincingly making out.

Scene 43: In another room, White Shirt has the Radio of Generic Pop. He starts making out with Former Pop-Princess with the radio nice and loud to cover up any coming murders that may take place around them... just as a for instance. Also, for a house with no working electricity, the lighting is shockingly bright in this room. You'd almost think they had a flood light on.

Scene 44: In the meanwhile, Beard Guy and Tri-Color Top Girl are sitting outside on the porch swing as she guzzles down an alcoholic beverage. She tries to convince him to go get her another drink with some kissy face.

They're watched by a properly used POV. They kiss a bit and then she sends him inside to refill her cup with a sassy slap on the ass. I suddenly like her. But not for long, *wink-wink*.

POV stalks toward her as she lies on the porch swing bench and lazily rocks. The POV screws up again, because the shaky POV-cam is shown from the leg level of our killer, walking toward us. WHO IS STANDING IN THE GRASS SEEING HIS LEGS?!

Then, it swaps back to the proper POV. Which it has plenty of time to do, since this stalking, heavily and noisily breathing, vicious, reanimated degrading corpse takes all f*-ing night to walk 20 feet.

Also... despite T-C's eyes clearly open, she also doesn't have any peripheral vision like the rest of the Movie-verse folks and on top of that, she can't smell a corpse that has been drenched in the warm rain, either.

Scene 44: Back in the bedroom, White Shirt and Former Pop-Princess are still lightly kissing fully clothed. Yeah, right.

She looks kinda bored.

Scene 45: In the living room, although they're still fully clothed, Olivia and RN-k are heating things up. Kinda.

But enough of that.

Scene 46: Beard Guy returns to the porch to find T-C gone. He goes looking for her and finds her in the yard with her throat torn open.

Commentary: And the effect would have been fine actually, if they hadn't insisted on holding a close up of the make-up for so long. Oh, Ruben. You try too hard. Or not at all. In the same movie.

Beard Guy turns to rush back to the house, when he gets suddenly raked across the face with Fingernails of Clawmarks. Devlon then just as quickly vanishes so he can either teleport, move at superspeeds or has invisibility. Except, we'll never hear of any evidence of any of these things, so it just looks like the typical bad 80's slasher film making where simple real world logic does not apply and it's as simple as that.

Devlon pops in front of him and rakes Beard Guy's other side of his face. He simply stands there, not yelling for help or doing anything but giving WTH face. Did I mention that our characters are morons?


Finally, he yells out as he's disembowled by fingernails. No, this happens for real.

Scene 47: In the house, Olivia hears Beard Guy's death yell, but of course RN-k doesn't believe her.

Scene 48: Beard Guy dies. Devlon stalks toward his former home.

Commentary: And Rule Of Too Many Scene Switches is applying to pacing.

Scene 49: In the upstairs bedroom, White Shirt's making out time with FP-P is interrupted by the radio getting all static-y. In addition, despite him spinning the tuning dial, the song doesn't change. He doesn't notice this. Because he's a moron.

He complains about the radio. FP-P extends the antennae and that takes care of the problem. Now White Shirt Moron is feeling his moronic-ism.

Scene 50: Downstairs, Olivia can't let it go that she heard a yell. She goes to check things out, while leaving RN-k with blue balls.

Scene 51: Back upstairs WS and FP-P are making out again in their rated-PG way. Very Important Scene.

Scene 52: Back downstairs, Olivia goes outside. She wanders around the yard calling for her friends. The wind picks up and the thunder starts up again just as she finds Tri-Colored Top Girl's body. She somehow manages to back up, trip over Beard Guy's body and then fall straight down on top of it, so she can scream in his face.

Because she also has no peripheral vision, whatsoever.

She slips her hands into his split open abdomen while trying to get up and then freaks more when her hands are coated in blood.

Commentary: Okay, I'll give the movie that point for a nice break-the-cutie on that one. It helps that Olivia is Edna Bolkan, who is the best one here, including 'name', Stiglitz.

She screeches and runs back into the house yelling for her boyfriend in a panic. He sneaks up on her. Olivia tells RN-k about the other two. The door slams shut on its own. Thunder rumbles (though again, we got a shot of the full moon with utterly clear skies). He breaks two bottles to use as makeshift weapons.

They next try to get out, but the door won't open. They are making enough noise to be heard a county over, but naturally the radio covers any and all screaming and yelling right below it. In the meantime, Devlon watches and stalks them.

Commentary: And, we should take a moment to discuss our killer. They try desperately to set him up as a demon, or at least demon-possessed, but they don't reinforce any of this with makeup effects. This really hurts our serial killer as a supernatural beast, because he really just looks like an average, shaggy bearded guy with questionable hygiene. There is nothing scary, or intimidating about him. It's like he's the knock-off of a knock-off of Madman Marz, actually. And, since he's taken SOOOO long to actually show up and start his killing ways again, by this time you just want this movie to finish. We needed a supernatural killer with some really good effects, or at least an awesome personality to engage our interest again but we just plain don't get it. He's your average nutburger with ill-defined and convenient-to-the-scene powers and never makes any actual impression to stay with you later.

Scene 53: Upstairs, our couple are still making out and at perpetual first base it seems. And, scene. Brilliant.

Scene 54: Downstairs, RN-k continues shouting for his deaf friends, which do he and Olivia no good. Naturally, this is the cue for our battling-to-survive couple to split up. He leaves Olivia with a broken bottle top as he makes a dash for the upstairs. She makes as much noise as possible... though it doesn't matter since she's being watched the entire time by the still-apparently invisible Devlon.

Scene 55: As Red Neck-kerchief runs toward the stairs, he's snatched up by Devlon, who throat-lifts him. He impales him through the back of the head or neck on a wall sconce, but it appears that he just hangs him up and then he's dead.

Commentary: Look, if you don't have the budget, that's cool. But, you need to film this with implication that isn't THIS clumsy. Or simply choose to have him die a different way. Devlon is already clawing people up... have him slice his throat again. Or better yet, just have cracking sounds foleyed in, spit up some fake blood (which they did anyway) and call it a crushed throat. This didn't have to be a budget-induced non-effects shot!

Anyway, he dies silently so Olivia who is only feet away never knows that she should be trying to break out a front window and climbing her ass out.

Devlon next closes in on where he last saw her. However, when he does a slow spin around to look in the corner where she was cowering she isn't there!

Commentary: And the POV now confirms that Devlon also doesn't have any sort of periphery vision, either, in keeping with the poor alternate humans in the Movie Dimension.

Devlon next checks the armoire, where we could expect that maybe she ducked into. But it's empty. As he turns around again in confusion, she appears from nowhere (he could not have missed her, even without his peripheral vision) and attacks. Unfortunately, being dead and all, he barely notes that she stabs him in the guts with the broken bottle.

He tosses Olivia into the armoire, and before she can react with anything other than 'oh, shit' face, he punches into her abdomen. Alas, Olivia gets a horrible death by guts yanking-outing and the only two characters I was interested in are now gone. And we're only at 52 min out of 88. Now I'm making 'oh, shit' face.

Scene 56: Upstairs, with boringest makeout session in Mexico, the non-sex continues unabated and uninteresting. The radio starts its crap again, but this time playing with the antennae doesn't help any. This interrupts what little groove White Shirt had going on and he takes off to pee.

As he wanders downstairs looking for the john, our supernatural baddie heads upstairs for his date with FP-P. I don't care.

Scene 57: As FP-P pours some Jack in her paper cup in the bedroom, the doorknob rattles but doesn't open. She thinks this is weird. In the meantime, she spots White Shirt outside on the front lawn peeing in the street. She throws... something... at him to startle him and fake-laughs badly-fakedly.

Meanwhile, Devlon suddenly decides to actually open the door and sneak in. Why the rattling door knob 15 seconds ago. No reason.

She continues fake-laughing way too long and I want her to shut up. But, as is his apparent habit, Devlon feels the need to take 5 minutes to cross(es) the room to where she's sitting on the window ledge.

From outside, White Shirt is telling her about the bathroom being filled with bats when he spots Devlon behind her! He shouts for her to watch out.

Commentary: This is another nice shot, and since I've had so little positive to say about his particular movie, let me give Ruben a little love for this.


Scene 58: While White Shirt yells for FP-P and she is screeching, Devlon pulls out the 'rake with nails' thing again like he did with Beard Guy. She gets the same slashes across the face, before he grabs her by the back of the head and then the screaming stops. Just in time for White Shirt to burst in.


As he runs through the living room, he grabs a decorative axe off the wall, so at least he's armed. And with something better than a broken bottle.

Also neat? After White Shirt gets into the room, the door slams itself shut violently. That was a nice touch.

Scene 59: So White Shirt finds the body of FP-P, who has some sort of chest wound... I think. Or her screaming was annoying and he did the throat crush/strangle.

Whatever. The point is that the room now goes kinda crazy with drawers opening on their own, mirrors shattering, chandeliers falling to the floor, etc. As White Shirt poos a little, the axe in his hands seems to take on a will of its own. He instinctively drops it, but it doesn't fall to the floor. Instead it tries to slam into his head. He grabs it and tries to stop it from embedding itself in him.

Commentary: And, I don't know. We have a lot of heavy breathing again, but no apparent Devlon in this small room. Maybe he really was meant to be invisible after all and it just wasn't clearly portrayed that is one of his powers?

It's unfortunate, but White Shirt doesn't have the upper body strength. Bye-bye.


Scene 60: Okay, so you're not going to believe this one. With all of the 20-somethings dead, you pretty much figure that we have to meet up with Cardan as he arrives just a little too late and then have his epic battle against the undead murderer, right?

BZZZZZZZ. I'm sorry, that is incorrect.

Instead, we must jump over to Captain, who is STILL f*ing around at the payphone?!? Oh, yes. I think he's talking to the detective in charge of finding the missing body of Devlon, and reports that he can't help them himself right now as his kids are missing. Not to mention that wackadoo, Doctor Cardan.

His ride shows up and he complains to the Sargeant (? I can't remember his rank, and I can't be bothered to go back and find it). He doesn't seem all that frantic to find his kids, to tell the truth. Maybe his wife is just in the habit of freaking out and they're in the habit of not coming home when they say they will?

Scene 61: We now rejoin the kids wandering around in the cemetery. 'Tony'... the eldest of the kids and the one with the sister who burns dinner, teases the rest by running ahead. Everyone quickly catches up, making that a useless time waster of a minute.

All the kids start thinking that wandering a creepy cemetery at night was a boneheaded thing to do. Also, despite another rainstorm that swept through, they're all bone dry. Huh.

There is screaming when one of the younger kids trips over a skull that is completely unexplained and random.

Like the kids' parts in this movie.

So, after far too much time wasted, they reach the center of the cemetery which happens to be the site of Devlon's resurrection. As they're counting to 100 as per the 'courage pact', the gravesite that Devlon was resurrected on suddenly bursts into flame for utterly random, supernatural reasons... plus the movie isn't long enough yet.

The thunderstorms that have so far had no contact with them start up again, but this time they're in the midst of it. They run in a panic. They run and yell. They run and yell. They run and yell.

Tags: review cementerio del terror

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