harsens_rob (harsens_rob) wrote,

Movie Review, Part II of III, "Ladrones De Tumbas"

crypt of terror

Scene 29: Meanwhile Tonio's horse gallops across a paved road where Sheriff just happens to be patrolling in his vehicle. He decides to head down the dirt track where the horse came from to look for an possibly injured rider (and the road is very mysteriously dry, despite the recent downpour).

Scene 30: Back with First Horseman, he's dismounted to check out the body of Tonio. His horse, being much smarter than he, takes off on him. This leaves First Horseman to give a loud yell of the doomed and then get axed.

Scene 31: At the truck, Our Criminals hear the yell of the doomed. Meanwhile, First Horseman continues to yell as the blood rushes over his face from the axe to the forehead.

Our Brave Criminal Men then head out after First Horseman, leaving Diana and Rebeca with the truck.

Commentary: I'll give credit to the special effects for our axings, here. They aren't as cool as, say Kevin Bacon's throat puncture (Friday the 13th), but they aren't badly done like ... well... most 70's gore movies either. The aftermath of Tonio's killing and the blood rush from First Horseman's head axing were nice.

Scene 32: Ray Wise-alike, lacking any peripheral vision since he's in movie-verse, literally trips and falls over the bodies of Horsemen. He manages to get Murdered-Men's blood all over his hands. Manolo-Unfortunate Yellow Headband helps him up as he gawks at the freshly murdered men. They turn around to run back to the truck, but there is a very inhuman sounding groan/growl which convinces them to run in the opposite direction.

Scene 33: In the meantime, Diana-SafetyPin Jacket and Rebeca-Pop Princess continue worriedly gazing down the road. Rebeca tells that she's scared. According to the subtitles, Diana rather obliquely answers, "I'm sacred, too".

With this, the two girls decide to go out after the bohunks. They walk into the Dead Horsemen, where they badly act traumatized. As they scream and screech, Armando and Manolo reappear and grab them to shut them up, since they're acting like walking beacons for the obvious killer in the area.

Just then, Our Gang are met by Sheriff... oh, oh - and with Armando's hands covered in Dead Man's blood, too.

Commentary: Very nicely, as soon as the Sheriff gets out of his car, you can see in Armando's face that he's screwed even without the threat of being murdered. The actor, German (add a ' mark on the "a") Bernal does some nice face acting here.

Scene 34: Punk-Ass Jorge and Andrea make their return, but stay hidden in the woods as they watch Our Gang standing at the cop car. Meanwhile, Rebeca is sure that they've all been cursed because of Manolo's breaking and entering into the sealed tomb instead of leaving well enough alone.

Scene 35: As that all is happening, Sheriff and Armando have returned to Our Gang's truck, where Sheriff finds some of the gold trinkets on the floorboard of the truck.

Commentary: Huh? Oh, so you think that hiding "the jewels" was a rather pointless endeavor? Well! I, uh, I'm sure that you're completely wrong. Obviously, you have no idea how to write a sensible script with logical action.

By this time, Deputy has been called to the scene and Our Gang is taken into custody. Jorge and Andrea continue to spy from the forest. They continue to have little point in having any attention paid to them.


Deputy stuffs all four of Our Gang into his squad car and reports to Sheriff that the Horsemen have been taken away (off screen) and is ordered to return to the station with Our Gang.

Commentary: It's at this point, having met our principals now that I've chosen Deputy to be my lust-object. He's got the 'stache going and he's blandly attractive. It was going to be Ray Wise-alike, but I can't get past his oh-so-80's pants. Plus, he's a Grave Robber, which is gross. I also couldn't get down with Manolo both because he's also a grave robber, but more to the point, because he won't remove that Yellow Headband of Eighties-ness.

Scene 36: Later at the station, Sheriff interrogates Rebeca. She claims to be Monica. He calls her out, assuming she's lying and she immediately gives her real name. Manolo swears to Sheriff that they didn't kill the horsemen, but offers a bribe if the Sheriff will let them go with their loot. This earns him a belly punch and some hair tugging.

Next, Armando is questioned about the pilfered items and when he won't answer the Sheriff, Deputy gives him some belly punches and some face squeezing. They don't brook no "human rights" in Whereever-we-are-ico. (Where the Hell are we, if not in Mexico?!)

Manolo and Diana confess to the tomb robbing to spare Armando any further physical abuse and Rebeca brings up the mysterious disappearing axe. Manolo and Armando talk about the axe and everyone claims it was stolen by persons unknown. He orders them into cells.

Scene 37: In a very sudden-cut, we're in Sheriff's car with him. He gets a call over the radio from a uniformed patrolman who tells him that they have found two more bodies with the same MO as the horsemen near a highway nearby. The bodies are still very fresh, removing the possibility that Our Gang could be the murderers. Sheriff isn't pleased by his simple explanation and murder wrap up being shot to blazes.

Sheriff puts the siren on and rushes over to Raul's place (Remember Sheriff's daughter's fiance and weaponsmith? Yeah, you can be forgiven for not, but he's back in the story... he was going to be my honey-bunny for the movie based strictly on his porn-stache before I decided on Deputy). Sheriff has gone over there for the machine gun and to tell Raul that he's worried because the murderer is nearby to where Daughter (who is Olivia) and her friends were going to be camping out.

Scene 38: Olivia and Friends now make their way back into the film still camping out around a fire in the woods. One of the friends decides she needs to go get water from a nearby lake, which is inconveniently a fair walk away from the campsite. No one will go with her, so telling them all (jokingly) that they're mean, she goes by herself.

For reasons that only an Undead Satan-Monk can understand, he chooses to jump scare her by hiding in the lake and then grabbing her when she leans over it to fill up her clay pot. It's just as ridiculous as you'd imagine.

Scene 39: Back at the campfire, Olivia and Friends hear her scream, as back at the deep hole of a lake, she's dragged under. They run for the lake. Meanwhile Drowning Friend struggles to get away. Satan-Monk has her by the hair and keeps yanking her underwater.

Scene 40: Meanwhile Sheriff and Weaponsmith race toward the campsite of Olivia. Sheriff radios in to Deputy Blandly Handsome and orders him to join him as soon as possible.

Scene 41: Back at the Lake Of Drowning, Olivia and Company arrive. They scream for Viky over and over and over. From behind a tree suddenly (as supernatural killers are wont to appear out of nowhere) appears Satan-Monk, who twists the head of Olivia Friend #2. Olivia and Friend #3 understandably take off running and screaming.

Commentary: Except for the usual Offscreen Teleporting problem, so inherent in these things, this was a nicely shocking and sudden kill. Of course, it would be nice if we got some names before they start getting killed off, but eh - whatever.

Scene 42: Back with Daddy Sheriff and PornStachio: Pointless scene of Sheriff telling Fiance to grab pistol from glove box. (I mean, really pointless scene.)

Scene 43: Olivia and Friend #3 make it back around to the lake, where we get confirmation that Viky didn't escape her drowning. They run for their Jeep, but of course, the keys were dropped somewhere. Friend #3 sees them, but a roar through the woods distracts her into hiding against a tree instead of snatching them up from the ground and taking off. Olivia ducks behind the Jeep, also instead of going for the keys.

The roar is very clearly not close to them enough to stop them from escaping right now, except for their own inaction (and the irritating offscreen teleportation problem).

The keys happen to be near the tree that Friend #3 braced against and when Olivia joins her there, she tells her she's going for them. Olivia looks off into the woods where clearly the Undead Zombie Satan-Monk is completely not there. Despite this...

... he appears on the other side of their tree (this always annoys me -- unless you're specifically making your fiend have teleport powers, don't cheat like this). With an axe swing, Friend #3 loses her hand.

Olivia scoops her to her feet and they make a run for it, with Friend's #3's stump not bleeding nearly as profusely as you'd think.


Scene 44: Back with Stachinator and Sheriff Dad, they've arrived at the abandoned girls' camp where they find Friend #3's hand.

Scene 45: In the woods, Olivia and Friend #3 are again intercepted by Satan-Monk using his offscreen teleportation coupled with their lack of peripheral vision and hearing.

Friend #3 is snatched right out of Olivia's grip. From apparently up in a tree by where she's looking offscreen.

Scene 46: Back at the campsite, Dad and Fiance hear Olivia's yells and split up to find her. Sheriff finds Dead Friend #3 hanging from the tree (exactly how is left unclear).

Meanwhile Olivia is running, running, running. Well, y'know, until she - yes - trips over her own feet. Satan-Monk was able to stay right on top of her, of course, despite his being up a tree killing Friend #3 while she was running. He's getting ready to axe Olivia (dawdling about it) when he takes two bullets to the head from Weaponsmith.

Raul sees that the body isn't where it should have fallen, so feels the need to investigate 'natch. This earns him a sudden beheading. G'Bye Fiance-Pornstache.


Zombie-Satan-Monk again closes in with axe-tastic intent on a hysterical (and therefore not running when she should be) Olivia. Fortunately for Olivia, her standing helpless and screaming kinda reminds Satan-Monk of Sacrificial Girl that got him racked. He hesitates therefore to simply slaughter her. This allows Sheriff to fill him full of semi-automatic machine gun bullets. He's driven back into the deep woods.

Commentary: Of course, as Buffy will tell you, "These (guns) are never helpful". And yes, the Winchesters would disagree, but I'd feel much better with a beheading or burning of Zombie-Satan-Monk, than I feel about his multiple gunshottedness.

Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to compliment the special effects on the beheading. I also really like Edna Bolkan as the traumatized Olivia. She does some really nice work being likable and personable in her short "before" scenes and she remains sympathetic and believable after her terrorizing. That isn't easy when she has to basically stand there and scream incessantly.

Sheriff has a touch of genre savvy and decides they're getting out of there, even though Daughter resists because she doesn't want to leave Raul behind.

Scene 47: A little late, Deputy Fine shows up. Sheriff passes off Hysterical!Olivia who is still insisting on going back for Raul and orders Deputy Fine to get out of there and protect her, while he goes back into the woods to make sure that Satan-Monk is good and not-walking-deaded.

Commentary: Poor, screaming Olivia. It is a testament to Edna's charisma that I don't want Deputy Fine to punch her out to shut her up. I actually really do feel horrible for her.

Scene 48: Sheriff drives along the backroads looking for signs of Undead Satan-Monk. He pulls up outside of the cemetery and goes over the wrought iron gate to check out the kids' story (I guess? I'm not sure what he's supposed to be checking out... their entire story was that they took an axe, then it was stolen and then the two horsemen are killed but they didn't do it... what exactly is he looking to confirm, here? I think this really needed to come much earlier in the movie, before the entire Olivia and Friends bit. It's a bit late now to make sense that he'd take this side trip when he knows the killer he shot full of lead was in the woods near the campsite, so he and reinforcements should be scouring that area).

He finds the grave that Our Gang dug up, and the tunnel down to the hidden tomb and climbs down.

Scene 49: Meanwhile, Hysterical!Olivia has been taken home. Deputy Kinda-Hot forces liquor down her. He sends her to change out of her muddy clothes.

Commentary: I don't like the way this movie is edited so much to show tiny, pointless cutaway scenes. If this had been left intact as the lead up to the inevitable second attack on Olivia, it would make sense, but there isn't any reason to cut to scenes like this, just to return to the main focus of the action again. It's interrupting the momentum for entirely unnecessary scenes. Plus, we're getting into a lot of scenes back and forth now -- which as I've mentioned in the JAWS 2 review, seems to end up impacting negatively on pacing. It makes the movie start to seem too long when these scene switches aren't involving something exciting and plot-relevant occurring.

Scene 50: Meanwhile, Sheriff has made his way to the room with the rack and the monks' bodies. In the aftermath of Satan-Monk's resurrection, the lighting has undergone a dramatic increase .. *cough cough*.

He locates the disturbed tomb and a symbol on the wall. As he goes to clear it of cobwebs for a closer look, the mysterious wind again blows through the catacomb. What I took to be a symbol on the wall is actually a very dusty tome, which Sheriff takes with him despite the warning windstorm. He returns to the town and goes straight to wake up the town padre.

Scene 51: The Father is summoned by Sheriff's calls, after some clumsy editing between the two, and the Sheriff explains he needs him to translate Latin for him. He leaves the book with Padre, explaining that he believes there is a supernatural killer on the loose, which the Padre just accepts off the cuff.

Scene 52: Meanwhile at the HQ of the police, where an officer on duty is a ridiculous concept, Punk-Ass Jorge and Punk-Ass' Girl Andrea have come to check in on their arrested friends. All of them are being held in the same cell (perhaps the only one Town Bodink has). They start to free them, but on a cot Armando (he of the bloody hands from the earlier crime scene) begins having a coughing fit. To Diana's growing hysterics, Armando begins coughing up blood and convulsing.

For some reason, he's been allowed to wear evidence from the tomb, so the supernatural ick he's about to get is kinda coming to him and can be blamed directly on the shoddy police work involved.

Armando gets a hand up through his guts, tearing his intestines out from within. The hand is interested in the symbol-on-chain from Satan-Monk's chamber. Diana wrestles the hand of gore back inside the huge hole in his body, and manages to grab the symbol from the intrusive fist (which was pretty cool, actually). Of course, Armando isn't exactly helped, but maybe this will be the key to saving everyone else.



Scene 53: With Manolo dragging Diana away from what is left of Armando, Jorge struggles to get the key in the lock and let his other friends out. A hand comes stretching through the wall, before turning into cement-arm. No one notices. It grabs Jorge, who is STILL struggling with getting the key in the lock to rescue his friends.

Stupid Punk-Ass.

This leaves him lifted off the floor and with throat-crush. Now Our-Down-to-Three Gang's rescue depends on Andrea, whose current worry is sobbing over Punk-Ass. She manages better than Jorge and the friends are freed. Except that Diana dawdles (I think she had a barely touched on relationship going with Armando). Rebeca and Andrea get out, while Manolo goes back to find out what the hell Diana thinks she's doing.

Rebeca gets the truck door opened. Andrea yells for Diana and Manolo to quit effing around and get out of there. Nobody comes out of their homes or calls the police in regards to all of the shouting coming from the police station.

Satan-Monk comes around the corner and Rebeca tries to warn Andrea that he's behind her. Too little, too late, axe to the face.


Scene 54: Back in the police station, Diana is fighting being dragged away from Armando by Manolo. With gratitude, I note that he's lost his Yellow Headband somewhere.

Our three survivors get in the truck, but it hates them and wants them dead so doesn't start (However, at least in this case it was set up earlier that it is a piece of junk, so kudos for that anyway). This lets Satan-Monk punch through the side window. He drags Diana away and carries her (with Rebeca and Manolo shouting for her, but otherwise just sittin' in the truck and watching her) to an iron fence, where she's shoved through face first with his superhuman strength.

She had the symbol-chain in her grip and drops in on the other side of the fence as she dies. With this, the truck now starts so that Manolo and Rebeca can flee, as Satan-Monk's attention is taken with getting back his necklace.

Scene 55: Back at the church, Padre is taking notes as he goes through the book of Satan-Monk's History. He doesn't see the levitating dagger coming in his direction.

Just as he does see it, it is ready to plunge down into his hand -- with fancy flipping, even.

Commentary: This is also a pretty nice effect, and turned out much better than Diana's death via crushing against iron fence.

Tough Padre grabs the dagger out of his hand and throws it to the floor. He orders Satan to leave, but is confronted by a cheap lighting effect instead. There is yelling and spasms of (overacting) terror and then we cut to outside the church, where we see heavy fog in the doorway. Sheriff happens to pull up to check on Padres' progress and is perturbed to find the door wide open and a blanketing fog in the entryway. He finds the entire church tore up inside and a heavy fog throughout the interior.

Sheriff explores and calls for Padre, but gets no answer... although he does get a thrown-cat scare!

Despite all of this, he does not feel the need to call for backup, or to draw his gun. He manages to find Padre in his tore up office. The Tough Old Padre is hanging on despite being injured, and is able to share with the Sheriff everything he needs to know about Satan-Monk, his 'fathering Satan's son' plan, and how to stop him.

Scene 56: Sheriff returns to the jail cell to retrieve the Symbol from Armando, but finds his and Jorge's bodies instead.


Scene 57: We jump to... uh... the church I think. And the Padre trying to drag himself somewhere. End pointless, jarring scene.

Scene 58: Back at Sheriff's home, Deputy Nice has built up a fire in the fireplace. Olivia is in the bathroom washing her face and giving us lacey bra.

Meanwhile, POV-cam is stalking closer. Satan-Monk's shadow approaches behind Deputy Alright. In the bathroom, Olivia hears a yell of terror. She hears things rattling and dropping from the living room and throws a robe on over her lacey-bra. Carrying a lantern, she investigates... probably unwisely.

Deputy Blandly Handsome is lying out dead on the floor (g'bye lukewarm sex object for this movie) and then Olivia gets grabbed by invisibly-offscreen Satan-Monk, presumably because she's a virgin and will now be taking the place of opening, rescued girl.

Scene 59: Over in the truck, Manolo is attempting to drive out of town... smartly. But, Rebeca has this whole 'we have to do the right thing' mentality going. Her pesky somewhat psychic powers have told her that the Captain's Daughter is in trouble and since it is their fault that Satan-Monk is free... well, they have a duty to save her.

He refuses, but she throws Dead-Armando, Dead-Diana, Dead-Andrea and Dead-Jorge in his face. We jump away before we can see if she's convinced him to end up dead like his friends.

Scene 60: Back at the church, Padre is still dragging himself along the floor. Apparently the Sheriff wrote him off and couldn't be bothered with 'backup' or 'ambulance'.

Again, pointless interlude.

Scene 61: Sheriff arrives at home to find Olivia missing and Deputy ex-Attractive dead. He grabs more bullets and a box of old dynamite(!) from an ammo cupboard.

Scene 62: Back at the church, Father Tough is still crawling across the floor.


Tags: review ladrones de tumbas

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