First though, I have to thank coalitiongirl for falling into this and posting, so that I would read it and smile, so that I would go there and then post what I'm sure is about to be my bestest Spander story ever and always:
Spamma-lamma-Spander's-Dongs Christmas Story
a sublime and moving experience by harsens-rob (and a Mad-libs, auto writer - but don't pay attention behind the curtain)
a.k.a. - I Saw Spike Kissing Santa Claus
Xander woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one gray box that looked like a hot sauce.
Then Xander noticed that Spike was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.
Xander thought that he would surprise Spike. Maybe even sneak up behind him and screech him on his pissy butt. That always made Spike tender.
Xander crept grandly down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its steamy hot lights, and the presents, heaped up loudly, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Spike. Kissing someone.
Xander was so angry, he picked up a hotdog from a table and threw it mildly under a table.
They both looked around.
"Spike, you wet slug!" Xander yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Xander looked and then rubbed his navel and looked again. It was Santa Claus.
"Let me explain," Spike said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a slick kiss it was."
"Well, I suppose," Xander said maniacally. "If he was under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be emotional."
That seemed reasonable. Xander went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.
Santa was the best kisser ever, like a helium balloon that bursts into explosive flame. He made Xander's eye feel all quiet.
"You see?" Spike said sadly and Xander saw. So they had a threeway.
Everybody's presents were late.
Okay, I'm really hoping that wasn't my best ever....