Hello, gang o'mine. I'll try not to ramble too much here, but to forewarn, I've only been asleep about an hour and now I'm sitting at the computer trying to get my heart to stop jack-hammering....
This may not be as coherent as I think it is... you'll be forgiving, I'm sure.
I wanted to post something about my current state and to do a mini-poll thingie about Fear. Not rational fears, like being on a hiking trail and running into a bear (or a rattlesnake if you hike in the desert) ... I mean, who wouldn't that shock the crapola out of. No, this is about irrational fear - or rational fears that have been blown so out of proportion that it no longer seems rational.
The reason for this post is because I once again stayed up over 24 hours. With only an hour of sleep, I was snapped awake out of a dead sleep by who knows what... the freezer motor turning on, the house popping, a car going by... it doesn't really matter.
The point is that, despite telling myself that I'm being ridiculous, I lay for 5 whole minutes (but I've done this for up to 1/2 an hour) arguing with myself over whether there is somebody in the house. Now, home invasion would certainly be a reason to be afraid - there are some god damned sick and twisted people out there.
But this happens to me A LOT... like, when I'm not in a drug-induced sleep and I'm sleeping at night - every time, almost. That suggests to me that my rational fears (break-ins) has crossed the line into the irrational (being convinced that somebody is walking around the house - staring at the bedroom door in a state near panic, waiting for them to cross the threshold into the room - and that trick of the eyes where every deep shadow becomes a man standing over the bed).
I would almost think that I have some sort of anxiety disorder - except that this doesn't happen randomly, it is under these very specific conditions. So, now I'm going to end up staying awake with the lights on until dawn (which is very close by) before I can convince myself that I'm safe enough to go back to bed.
This isn't the first time that I've had these sorts of night-terrors, if this in fact is related to that phenomena. I clearly remember in grade school that I would have that phenomena (whose name I know, but it won't come to me right now) where you only partially awake from a dream and your body refuses to move so you end up lying in your bed, conscious but paralyzed for the longest minutes of your life. That used to happen to me every few months - usually after a recurring dream in which I would be electrocuted.
At least these days, I no longer can't make my body move and if I wanted I could scream... now, I just try not to move in case that this time the someone is in the house, stalking about. There are even times, when I entertain the notion that there are ghosts who irregularly visit, because sometimes when I awaken - and even after I've been awake for an extended period of time, I swear, there are so many noises from the kitchen that could be whispering and/or footfalls or cabinets banging, that I'm sure they're holding a frickin' party in there.
That last one isn't just me though. Tom has also gotten out of bed before to look in the kitchen. If it is ghosts, they don't really want anything to do with us - because nothing is ever out of place and we almost never see them... but that is a post for a Ghost Story/Paranormal Phenomena post.
For this one, I just want to stick with these fears that aren't rational, that always prove false, but yet keep returning... like being convinced that there are strangers walking around your house, while you're vulnerable in bed. I wouldn't really call this irrational if it was just once in a great while, when you've had a nightmare - this isn't that. This is a recurring, convincing, extended period of knowing that someone has broken in - even though you know you're being ridiculous.
This is about having to get up after 5 min, 15 min, even 30 min later to check because you cannot tell your brain to stop and you have to see with your own eyes that you're full of shit. It's about having only slept one cruddy hour and having to sit at the computer with the lights on around the house until the sun comes up.
So the poll - don't leave me hanging here alone:
As a child, did you suffer recurring nightmares or night terrors?
If you suffered recurring nightmares or night terrors - do they continue now (assumes adulthood)?
Do you have a fear that you insist is silly, but your brain doesn't listen?
If you've got an irrational fear in your past or present - how's about sharing?
Do you believe in ghosts or haunts (at times other than during movies or on Halloween).
Have you ever woken up paralyzed and unable to speak?
Well... I feel a little better, now. The shadows have been driven away, I can recognize the stupid refrigerator sounds for what they are, there aren't weird pops that sound just like stomping footsteps traveling across the floor and my heart isn't jackhammering and the eyes aren't jittering and I'm not holding my breath trying to hear the non-existent breaker and enterers. Thanks in advance to anyone willing to participate in the poll...!