harsens_rob (harsens_rob) wrote,

Stacie Ponder's Hilarious Reviewage

I have another link to the wonderful postings of Ms. Stacie Ponder at Final Girl. She has really outdone herself with this open letter she sent to the dvd of "The Unborn", which apparently (I completely trust Stacie when she says so) seduced her after she'd had a bit of wine....

Having been unable to resist the sleazy charms of said dvd, Stacie now finds herself embarrassed and ashamed. Hey, we've all been there with a movie we were warned about, haven't we? That little humiliating memory of that flick that all of our friends said would only break our hearts (and possibly our minds), but damn it! The artwork on the cover? The breathless back of box description? The screen cap on the case from the only good moment in the whole 75 to 120 minute movie?

And, add a little mood lifter of our choice - well, they all just lead us to throwing abandon to the breezes of Fate - and then we wind up with some tacky, little noxious nothing who mocks us for how easily we put out.... The breezes of Fate turn out to be more Manos-fate than Ripley's-Momentous-Alien-Face-Off-Fate-from-Aliens. And the whole time, you just know that the movie is spreading around how easy you are so that other hideous, repugnant (and stupid, loud, and/or boring) movies will follow you around in stores - leaping off dvd shelves with their simultaneous, desperately colorful/intriguingly garish covers!

And the whole time, it's telling them that they just have to keep at it and you'll crack and pick them up - because you're weak and cheap!

Boy, I hate those... and alas, our Final Girl wasn't able to avoid this bad movie forever....


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